emchy

tonight was a reading that i have been looking forward to for all of june. enough that last week i twisted myself up to get to it. and had the date wrong. and here it is - the night of it - and i am at home. i am at home eating the first meal i have cooked myself that wasn't toast in essentially a month - give or take the two times i made eggs for someone else. i am at home having a slight allergic reaction to very tasty goat cheese and drinking whiskey and diet coke. i am at home trying to let go of a cranky that has an alien fierce grip on my forehead. i am at home with the windows open and tom waits on and i wish i had more time and more selves to be hearing the reading that is right now almost ending. but i didn't. and this was the only place i could go tonight. home to let some of this toxic fall off of my shoulders. to know that how i feel is just circumstancial and not systemic. to know that home is in fact - a refuge - and not a place to avoid anymore. i came home. i made chili from scratch and random and i got to kiss my dog. sometimes we can regret things that we know couldn't be changed no matter how many other opportunities there would be to do it different. this was the only way tonight could turn out without my breaking something important. and so it is. it's been a day of disappointing people. chosen family and family of origin. double whammy. and i know. this is just how it had to go. i'll be back to generous and helpful soon. right now i am trying to keep from drowning. and home tonight is a whole lotta flotation device.