emchy: (Default)
i like that i am being forced to slow down this morning
i do not like that the slow down is at this point looking like i will be late for work
like later than the late i had planned for
i got some great art news this morning which is big with the happy making - more details as they are realized
i feel like - lucky and blessed and like shit hold on hold on hold on to how that feels because how my mind works it can fall away and feel invisisble so fast. i am out of my medicine for like the past week. my emotional rollercoaster is in full swing and i am trying to stay on the upswing of the hill and not let the dips get me down, pull me down, make me trainwreck.

i keep thinking lakes and trees. one of the things i forgot to mention was that the park in fairfax on sunday. there was some tree somewhere made it smell just like michigan. broke my heart in the good ways. it was my second crying of sunday. the first was when i heard the voicemail from my mom. crying from the wishing that here and there could be in the same place. crying from the longing and the missing. crying from the beauty and the love wrapped up in my family of origin and wondering why when i am so close and full of love for people i start pulling away. feet in the grass looking over a stream smelling michigan in fairfax i shed some tears for both what i can't have and the beauty of what i got.
emchy: (Default)
drinking vs incredible responsibility

so tonight originally i was planning to do a work bonding thing after hours. but lo and behold the cohort and i couldn't make it work. raincheck. so i get home and rooster is still at school planning for her thesis defense. so i practice accordion for an hour. then i do all of the dishes. then i dust. then i watch some trashy tv which just feels annoying and so instead i shut that off and work out.

now i am sweaty with a clean house and parts of a new song written.  (its the c triangle pattern at the top moving down on the treble)
plus i am not out any extra cash. plus from working out and wearing decent shoes today my shins feel better.

the main theme running through today is the nature hangover from yesterday. i know i am idealizing but i want more fairfax. more berryessa. more fields and farms and strange musical people banging on things in sheds. i want to bang on things in sheds. one of my friends in oakland has sheds and things to bang and i just wish i could live in her sheds and bang on things all of the time.

i want to lose days to making music and getting sunburned. i want to take off and just drive and not worry.
and then i want to worry and make big salads and lose all of my stress in gardening and tea and coffee on my front beat up wooden porch.
i want you to come over and drink wine out of a clean jar or coffee cup with me while the air gets night time cooler and the crickets start rocking it out.

so now. i figure out. how does moving to new york fit in with all of this. how does the travel need fit in. and i can tell you in some ways. i think its touring. its just travelling and letting the adventures be and letting home be and not working so hard to define and make plans. see i spend so much time making plans that i don't end up sticking to them. it's just want want plan plan and then here i am with no movement years later. this time. she offered. i accepted and tada i was in seattle. and soon tada i'll be in atlanta. and then tada in milwaukee. see. there is a way of just doing it that makes it happen more easily. the new job and better money helps with all of that. easier to buy plane tickets with decent income. but also. there are ways to make it work.

i feel like i am waking up again.
i guess we all need naptime.
but damn - i am just so... ready for this shit.
emchy: (Default)
today was not a good day. not a bad day. it had just enough awesome and just enough complete frustration to draw a complete even steven sort of line. i got a huge complement from someone i completely admire. i realized how many emails i am lax in returning. i think i may be oversharing in some parts of my life. possibly also undersharing in others. i do not want. that sums a lot of it up. and yet for other pieces i really do in fact want quite a lot. i wrote a song yesterday - lyrics only - but i like it very very much. tonight practicing i came up with a few different chord progression fun times that sounded super interesting. none of them right for the new song. but possibly very good for other songs. it's exciting. i wonder what will come of them later. hopefully grand and wonderful things. right now i am avoiding cooking dinner. i know what i could make and how tasty it would be and even how comforting it would be for me to cook. really to open some wine, cook the yummy, and then settle in with my new book (yay borggrrl) and just relax. maybe even take a salt bath to pull out some of the toxic that the rote of the day to day pours on. we'll see.

last night i put new sheets on the bed. i got them at target and they have blue stripes. they feel clean and summer like. they remind me of michigan and the hard twin beds of my grandparents house. i feel like my grandparents are closer in today. closer in to me i mean. it's nice. i wish i could hear cardinals outside.

i think no matter what the night brings i need to go put on my favorite pajamas and my velvety 1920's slippers. with that it has to be a charming cuddle kind of night.
emchy: (Default)
or wishing i was. listening to the country mix that becka made. thinking aboug digging my feet into mucky lake mud. cool and black and pulling my skin under and squeezing through my toes.

the work is easy today. rolling smooth and asking for what it needs.

yet driving by that reservoir everyday
i am still dreaming of running to lake berryessa today
falling into that shady swimming hole
feeling my arms strong as they take me into the middle
where i can float quiet
feel the sun generous and warm on my shoulders
my feet moving like dancing on nothing
the dark green water plants kissing my toes
and it's all clean and dirt and water and love
emchy: (Default)
on IM with a friend this morning. talking about spring and crushes and how right now - i feel like i have a crush on the world. like i could hug strangers on the street. like i want to roll in every patch of grass that i see and i want to go back to the flower mart and buy every bunch of lilacs they have and lay them out like a bed under pine trees and just sleep there in all of the good smells. sure their branches would be pokey - but pokey in the good way. i guess the thing is - the trouble of it all - that feeling so open hearted to the world is a harsh proposition. there is so much wonder that comes from it. and yet you’re totally vulnerable to the sweet flowers of yay being trampled often not even intentionally. how do i protect my yay and stay filled with wonder. i am trying.

yesterday i bought a neko case album. that will help. also finally replaced that first mr bungle album that i lost in the divorce. the crazy circus music also helps.

i keep meeting people that i get this visceral connection with and never know quite how to follow up on it. there is a writer pal that we email sometimes and we’re both YAY OMG WE NEED TO BE REAL FRIENDS and not just email friends. and we smile and get excited and then... but sometimes it’s just timing. i always trust that gut connection feeling. it led me to my wife. it led me to some of the best people i have ever known. i get so excited that i have a hard time with patience when it happens. the art crushes. the friend crushes. so platonic like we’re seven years old and just found the right new friend. and so overwhelming. like the first poem that makes you cry - but in flesh and blood standing in front of you - laughing and saying see you soon.

a miracle that i feel so good and open after the car break in on friday and the other not so great luck that is falling onto my road now and then. a bunch of writing deadlines missed and flaked on. some self sabotage to be sure and yet. poems are starting to stalk my thoughts again. i feel like the warm honey is in my veins again as opposed to the cold sharp soda water that pushed me through the winter.

it’s all changing.
and born to run is on the radio.
emchy: (Default)
rooster kicked me out of bed early so we could go get the window fixed. i wanted to sleep and not deal with it. come on - there's cardboard over it whatever zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz but she made coffee and lured me out. the repair was fast and not as bad as i had feared cost wise. we took the stuff the vandals left in the car and turned it over to the police - just in case someone else reported their stereofaceplate stolen and could get it back. a long shot but what the hell. made the police report online last night. it doesn't seem like that sort of thing matters, but the city uses the info to increase beat patrols and increase lighting based on crime data - so maybe it's preventitve in the long run?

the repair place was near the flower mart so we went to get breakfast and look at flowers. good news. there were lilacs. i bought a big bloomy bunch. they are gorgeous but this year they're pulling in my melancholy. reminding me of how brief beautiful things are. how unreliable. how unexpected and wonderful and how empty the world feels when they're gone. and they always go. eventually all of the beautiful things degrade and fall away. i love how things look as they shift from new to old and there are these exquisite elements in all of that. so it's not the aging that i reference. it's the strict loss. treasures always get lost. its in their nature.

but here are my lilacs

after getting the car back we went to clement street on a reconaissance mission to look at a bedside table for rooster. the old wood family owned store had closed. a bit crushed we started home and then toured back to the inner sunset / golden gate park area to go to this other family owned wood furniture store. they had many sweet things and really affordable furniture. i bought rooster a heart shaped coffee spoon and we got the cd rack and bedside table she needed. we still have to go buy stain to finish the furniture but it is grand. next saturday the cd rack arrives (it didn't fit in the car) and wood finishing will begin.

retail therapy aside. i still feel really down. i don't know if it was just the break in. or not enough sleep. or or or. but i can't pull my head out of it. i got home and while rooster shredded papers and threw out things in her massive organize of 2008 i cleaned up the clutter i have been infecting the house with and took care of personal business. wrote the rent check. paid the rest of the bills. reserved a room for a VERY SPECIAL trip to the madonna inn in july. good stuff. stuff that makes me feel more on top of my shit. its so easy for me to lose myself in work. there are some grant things that i let slide past deadline which is a bit disappointing. and some deadlines for publications that i am just not able to get it up for yet. i want to send things out but feel this weight just holding me back aorund it.

the little wood store today though. it started to inspire me again. it made me think of a painting i want to do. and i haven't painted since 2002. i used to paint all of the time and just love it. i may be ready to try it again and make the big idea painting. i just wish i didn't feel so sad. i think i grew up not thinking that feelings are allowed. like you shouldn't make time and space for them or they just take over. and it's true. i don't know how to make space for sad and hold it with joy and walk with that duality. and that's the hard part. there are pieces of my heart that just want joy all of the time and when the other places work out their sad the happy heart pieces just get kinda heart broken because the rest of the heart won't play nice. and so its a catch 22 to pull out of it. sad begets sad.

one thing though - at the little shop - just before leaving - i saw this toy. a squeaky log shaped dog toy. rooster bought it for lucky. and when she got it - there is so much joy in that.

heck two things. driving back home we saw a house with a pirate ship bed in their driveway. this also is full of joy.

emchy: (Default)
the fog is thick around my house right now while i wait for the coffee to finish brewing
it's like a sweet blanket and i want to take off my jeans and my sweater with their presentable for the world hard edges
and throw my soft and squishy at home halloween pajamas back on
drink my coffee
and watch movies all day

i like the new job but today feels like a day when couch snuggle cuddle would be just the ticket.
i feel so sad to have to leave the coccoon.


Mar. 22nd, 2008 10:31 am
emchy: (NY_summer_cleavage)
yesterday morning i was up at 5am. i had to get into to work by 7 to leave early to take out the dog. it was miserable waking up that early. getting dressed in the dark. groggy and full of the sleepy failure of dreams that were still waiting for me. but as i drove towards lake merced - the moon was hanging behind the trees. the true definition of a grapfruit moon full and golden. as the road curved out towards pacifica there it was hanging low over the ocean and i tried to be a safe driver while looking sideways to watch the moon set gorgeous and calm into the ocean. sliding below the water while the sun couldn't yet be seen but was lighting up the bay on the other side of my view. the driving in has some perks and one of them is this amazing view. i drive in and see oceans and bay and mountains and trees and fields and farms and lakes all in a 20 minute time span.

the day at work was long and challenging and good.

left early got the dog out and then went to the de young museum where some friends were having a screening of their films as part of a fancy xhibition. such a big deal. it was good. went for cajun food after and had such good food and good experience that it actually brought me to tears. found the friends from the museum after and met up at the fireside bar for some congratulatory drinks. wanted to make hubba hubba but found myself too broke and it was important to hang with rooster's people a bit too since that happens rarely with all of their little grad school heads buried in film and theory.

it was a good night.
but even more - that morning with that moon there... it's going to stay in my mind as a little gift of beautiful for a long time. sometimes painfully early mornings give the best gifts. i love how the world looks as the sun rises...
emchy: (Default)
i think my entire body is frozen
my toes are tiny pale popsicles that forgot how to thaw
my shoulders have taken up residence near my ears
and i can hear the dangerous thundering cracking of lake ice when i move my knees

i need some rain proof shoes
i should have been less stubborn and taken the offered umbrella
i need a rain coat
and an office with heat
yep that would be nice too
emchy: (Default)
Hey folks
As an experiment - I have just published my next chapbook and it's ready for you to order a copy if you like.
I am insanely excited about it - and will at some point have hard copies for sale at readings.
Until then however - if you would like a copy - just click on the cover below to get your own copy of Trophy Bones.

emchy: (Blue Eyeshadow)
so i had this big grand plan to follow one of my dreams that i always thought was unattainable
i decided while i was out of town that i would use the deadline for the hayden carruth emerging poets award as my personal deadline to get my manuscript done. i have about 130 poems to select a super strong 60 from to create a manuscript and winning that award and being published on copper canyon press is a big dream of mine. like with sprinkles on top kind of dream. like winning the oscar and driving a dodge challenger and doing shots with tarantino sort of dream. sigh. they've suspended the award. it's on hold indefinitely. so this makes me sad however I don't want to just get thrown off track because the one perfect thing isn't there for me to use for structure. by may i will have a manuscript that is awesome and someone should want to publish - either as a press or as part of an emerging writers award that is similar to the one that copper canyon did.

which leads me to:
i knew mainly of this one award. do you know of emerging / new poet manuscript competitions that have good reputations?
emchy: (Default)
showered and smelling like chamomile and lavender. jazz still on and the big debate of the night is if i will watch the simpsons. listen to jazz and read. or practice the accordion. i feel like i took myself on an art date today. it was slow and meandering. i cooked a little. made some progress on some writing in progress. made some progress on some heart in progress and really just let myself be a little. it's funny usually i have to go out and run around and get so much done to feel like i've had a real weekend. often it lands with me starting my monday worse off than i left my friday. but tonight will be ended with some sleepytime tea, me in my slippers, reading some poetry and sliding into bed early. just calm and nice. Hopefully I'll fall asleep with "Orange is the color of her dress" playing and my dreams will be full of music rolling over my skin and dancing with me. [profile] smallstages i feel like i owe you a huge debt for these records. my crush on the world is holding me around the waist and breathing wishes onto my neck. warm strong slow dances in the kitchen sort of world crush.

there's a mystery and cozy romance hiding in these early nights.
the night wants to curl up around me and hold my dreams safe in its hand.
just this once... i'll let it.
emchy: (reading2)
today is looking to be one of those laid back amicable with my own leisure sorts of days. slept later than rooster and woke up to hot goat hill coffee and a toasty apartment. a small miracle of fate that i live in one of the colder parts of town and finally have actually heat. breakfast waited until afternoon and i have a full day of cooking for the next week, writing, practicing the accordion, crocheting and tidying planned. I am offering my time to no one except myself and where the temptations of tasks and time take me.

i sat down to start some writing in the office, cruising some random social networkings first and grabbed the Mingus Live at Cornell discs that [profile] smallstages burned for me awhile ago. headphones on, candle lit, coffee at my side i put the music in the laptop and oh my god. it's like i just started walking started running stared falling right into that place. that sweet spot where my mind and thoughts turn in around and on top of each other in the most sacred dance of who i am and how i want to look at the world. how i want to see things when i am not worried, when i am not stressed, when i am just letting me be me. the feeling of walking through open and yet dense michigan woods of my childhood withthe walkman on. the smell of wild grasses and bitey cold air filling my nose as i walk towards the old stream which was really more like a river that fed into the lake. the one whose old concrete bridge had fallen into the water decades ago. and so it was always climb down onto the broken concrete and jump into the middle and then jump up to the foundation on the other side and the smells changed to cold water and snake grass green and the dirt smelled thicker on the other side. state owned land that always felt more home than anywhere i have walked before or since. jazz on the walkman and feeling free. that's the walk in my chest right now. in a small bookish office in a san francisco apartment there is a path in the woods winding itself through my ribs and taking me back into a place where it's about more than a day to day but about blood connecting to roots and it being about more than just a moment. the moments, connecting to a larger sense of time that doesn't need linear. i am all of my moments at once at with mingus on i can feel it. i can feel all the parts and all of the people i have been so far. and i am ready to roll forward finding the people that i'll become. it's beautiful in here right now.

i have some old ideas to turn back to to work on for a writing retreat in a few weeks.
today i think is the day to pull them out.
emchy: (Default)
it's been a hard night. looking through the looking glass and seeing the distortions that other people can see. it's not that they're always wrong. but it's... distorted. off. not right. tonight i get to look through all the funhouse mirrors. i think i prefer the flat reflections - honestly.

unrelated to but in the same timeframe. the reading was good tonight. it was small with us three readers but it went well. i am developing a new nervous twitch when i read. not sure how i feel about that - but c'est la vie these things happen. i was sad that ali wasn't reading. and then realized that tomorrow night is a fancy sister spit reading at city lights. ah ha! so the readers are spread out. now it all makes sense.

i was talking to some folks about curatorial issues on sunday night. fuck man curating is a thankless job. i love it. but really. all that work to help ensure other people's art gets the love and attention. it's important and i always try to feature or schedule performers whose voices are crucial and important and maybe even life changing to the right person in the audience. but sometimes i do want to just sit back and go to other people's readings. to sit back and just be a writer. work on just my own work and not all of the word of mouth to get people to come and know about and want to see the amazing reader. and then i hear people bitch about this that and the other and i just wonder if they know how much work and thought goes into trying to make space for art. i wonder if it's worth it. but it is. it totally is. regardless of anything else - making space for art in the world is necessary. making accessible space for that art - is necessary.

i think tomorrow night we finish the holiday decorations. this is our ninth holiday season together. i remember when i was all angry punk rock and FUCK CHRISTMAS. first holiday with rooster i had flipped from fuck it to where's my tree. kinda hilarious. i can't wait to put on eartha kitt's santa baby and just decorate the crap out of the house.

the moon is huge tonight. i am hoping it's holding some good good dreams.
emchy: (Default)
panic has subsided while worry has not. it will work out because it has to. but it won't be comfortable getting there. i want to leave the paper behind and put my fingers under rocks. dirt instead of ink under my nails.

the bag is smiling
the owls are not what they seem

i prefer these turning words making simple sense in complicated ways
it makes the mind work out
the important parts it forgets on roads that don't bend.
emchy: (Default)
tonight i was roosters date for a classical guitar recital at her classmates home in noe valley. her classmates husband is off to singapore for some crazy fancy guitar world competition and so they're having recitals now to help prepare him for the competition. he played and alternated with a friend of his who he had gone to the conservatory of music with. the night in theory finished with a guitar violin tango duet that was amazing. but with so many musicians in the house a classical / avante guitar jam quickly ensued. a woman fainted from the heat and the herbs she had partaken of. it was kind of wild. it reminded me of what i always thought art salons in paris would be like. we were hoping to split the difference and make it to sizzle so rooster could be my date - but sadly it was not to be. i met a mexican dj named hector. he seemed nice. apparently in mexico there are huge billboards of him for what a great dj he is. i asked him where he played though and he just said everywhere. that made me sad. i would've loved a touchpoint for what style of dj he was. so yea. surrounded by art last night and now tonight and even this afternoon at accordion apocalypse and... i am tired and a little sad but it's been an amazing day. totally enjoying this new - having enough energy to leave the house - thing that the supplements and decent food are allowing.

i am even looking into a local art collective. yea. things are in the works. i like it that way. 
emchy: (Default)
the rain is so drizzly and charming today.
coffee is on, the HalloQOM detroit-esque industrial mix that Sherilyn made last year is on reminding me of Judi and Lansing antiques hunting rain. Smoking cigarettes all shielded from the rain so they wouldn't get soggy. Later on dressing up to go gay club and try to get the freaks on. Refilling waxy fast food cups with Boonesfarm while we drove to here and there. Whoever was driving nursing one cup for the drive and then finishing a bottle pre bar.

I think today we're going to chill and be all domestic. Rooster just brought me coffee in the Big Cheese cup. I have an accordion lesson at 4pm. Sizzle to try to make and then an at home private recital performance thing in Noe Valley and then the hot band Her Majesty the Duchess at the Elbo Room if I have any energy at all.

QOM last night was great. [personal profile] brownstargirl kicks all kinds of hotness with her words and her fierce and her amazing. I was so impressed. So charmed. I love when writers move me like that. Blood rushing and matching the beat of the words until my heart beats differently from the hearing of it.  The open mic readers where fun and moving and sexy and funny and it was good. I am afraid if I name check all the LJ in the house I will miss someone or fuckup their names - but it was good to have you all there. Thank you for showing up and supporting and sharing and making it matter. It was teh goodness.

I originally was going to try to hit an accordion jam post QOM but left my poor squeezebox at home. Instead a small fraction of our horde headed to the Orbit Room - nope too crowded - to the Mint for a drink or two. Um - karaoke. Yep. It was good and fun and social though my head felt weirdly disassociated. Maybe it was feeling too much Michigan in a San Francisco bar. Not sure.

Today is stretching out before me and the biggest decision is whether I go to Rainbow before or after accordion time.
Not bad.

east bay

Nov. 8th, 2007 10:51 am
emchy: (Default)
I slept over in the east bay last  night. spoke art that raised roofs. drank black lemonade with grass vodka. spoke to michigan. spoke to a recording of my past. and woke up to drink coffee next to a pool before driving a feast into my office. the day already feels surreal. like i am walking in a poem i wrote. one of those things that's so visceral and everyone finds the profound in it except me. to me its just common sense. the sky is grey in the nice way. the soft fuzzy blanket that means we need to build a fire way. i kind of love it. but i wish i had a fireplace. and i wish you were here too - so we could sit on the rug and play trivial pursuit. drink some good wine and eat nibbly things. our toes baking from the fire and cheeks warm from laughing and sharing the booze.
emchy: (Default)
Tonight : Kathy Acker's Dangerous Daughters
Kathy Acker died 10 years ago this month. Celebrate her legacy through San Francisco's transgressive women writers: Daphne Gottlieb, MK Chavez, Aleathia Drehmer, Raina Bird, Cynthia Ruth Lewis
I cannot even say how interesting and thrilling this reading looks to me. You'll likely see me there.
@ The Creamery, 780 Valencia St.
7-9pm, All Ages.
$5, Naughty Lit and Booze.

Sunday is K'vetsch - tomorrow night - or as i like to say SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY. Please imagine the most booming announcer voice right there and then i would love it if you got all excited like it was a monster truck rally. Really though - I think monster truck rally excitement is the exact right mood to channel for the OMG 11 years of K'vetsch. So they're celebrating - we're celebrating - LET"S CONJUGATE our celebrations! It's a features only kinda anniversary party and you're more than invited. In fact - I really must insist that you get your lit loving booty over to Sadies Flying Elephant on Sunday night around 9pm and enjoy some of the talent on the stage. For example: Alvin Orloff, Mattilda, Logan Knight, Cindy Emch, Christopher Boyd, horehound stillpoint, Max Wolf Valerio, Lauren Wheeler and Shawna Virago.

Sadies Flying Elephant
Potrero @ Mariposa (right off the 33 line)

and finally to finish off your week in the best possible way - is one bad ass mofo of an open mic. Seriously.

Queer Open Mic is honored and excited to welcome Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha  to our humble stage. (looky looky - see there she is in all of her fabulousness!!!)

The author of Consensual Genocide (TSAR), she has performed her work widely throughout North America, including performances at Yale University, Oberlin College, University of Southern California, Swarthmore College, Poets Against Rape, Femme 2006,  The Loft, louderARTS, and the immigrant rights rallies and benefits for queer youth centers down your block. Obsessed with documenting queer/trans of color, mixed-race, Sri Lankan, high femme and survivor stories, her work has been anthologized in Homelands: Women's Journeys Across Race, Time and Place, We Don't Need Another Wave, Colonize This!, With a Rough Tongue: Femmes write porn, Without a Net, Dangerous Families, Geeks, Misfits and Outlaws,  Brazen Femme, Femme, and A Girl's Guide to Taking Over the World, as well as in Colorlines and Bitch magazines

In addition to the awesome of Leah - there is the fabulous of you! So come on down to QOM. Make a new friend or five. Share your words with the world and let's build some revolution through art people.

Mollena and I will be there with metaphorical hosting bells on (and her improv rant should be back!)- so please say howdy.

Queer Open Mic Featuring Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
Nov 9, 2007
7:30 sign up, 8pm show
Vince & Pete's Three Dollar Bill Cafe
1800 Market Street, SF (right off the F Market Street car [formerly known as the 8] and just a block from the Church St station)

emchy: (Default)

Yay! I just got my grade school story published over on the can i sit with you project!!!

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