emchy

on IM with a friend this morning. talking about spring and crushes and how right now - i feel like i have a crush on the world. like i could hug strangers on the street. like i want to roll in every patch of grass that i see and i want to go back to the flower mart and buy every bunch of lilacs they have and lay them out like a bed under pine trees and just sleep there in all of the good smells. sure their branches would be pokey - but pokey in the good way. i guess the thing is - the trouble of it all - that feeling so open hearted to the world is a harsh proposition. there is so much wonder that comes from it. and yet you’re totally vulnerable to the sweet flowers of yay being trampled often not even intentionally. how do i protect my yay and stay filled with wonder. i am trying.

yesterday i bought a neko case album. that will help. also finally replaced that first mr bungle album that i lost in the divorce. the crazy circus music also helps.

i keep meeting people that i get this visceral connection with and never know quite how to follow up on it. there is a writer pal that we email sometimes and we’re both YAY OMG WE NEED TO BE REAL FRIENDS and not just email friends. and we smile and get excited and then... but sometimes it’s just timing. i always trust that gut connection feeling. it led me to my wife. it led me to some of the best people i have ever known. i get so excited that i have a hard time with patience when it happens. the art crushes. the friend crushes. so platonic like we’re seven years old and just found the right new friend. and so overwhelming. like the first poem that makes you cry - but in flesh and blood standing in front of you - laughing and saying see you soon.

a miracle that i feel so good and open after the car break in on friday and the other not so great luck that is falling onto my road now and then. a bunch of writing deadlines missed and flaked on. some self sabotage to be sure and yet. poems are starting to stalk my thoughts again. i feel like the warm honey is in my veins again as opposed to the cold sharp soda water that pushed me through the winter.

it’s all changing.
and born to run is on the radio.