emchy

rooster kicked me out of bed early so we could go get the window fixed. i wanted to sleep and not deal with it. come on - there's cardboard over it whatever zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz but she made coffee and lured me out. the repair was fast and not as bad as i had feared cost wise. we took the stuff the vandals left in the car and turned it over to the police - just in case someone else reported their stereofaceplate stolen and could get it back. a long shot but what the hell. made the police report online last night. it doesn't seem like that sort of thing matters, but the city uses the info to increase beat patrols and increase lighting based on crime data - so maybe it's preventitve in the long run?

the repair place was near the flower mart so we went to get breakfast and look at flowers. good news. there were lilacs. i bought a big bloomy bunch. they are gorgeous but this year they're pulling in my melancholy. reminding me of how brief beautiful things are. how unreliable. how unexpected and wonderful and how empty the world feels when they're gone. and they always go. eventually all of the beautiful things degrade and fall away. i love how things look as they shift from new to old and there are these exquisite elements in all of that. so it's not the aging that i reference. it's the strict loss. treasures always get lost. its in their nature.

but here are my lilacs

after getting the car back we went to clement street on a reconaissance mission to look at a bedside table for rooster. the old wood family owned store had closed. a bit crushed we started home and then toured back to the inner sunset / golden gate park area to go to this other family owned wood furniture store. they had many sweet things and really affordable furniture. i bought rooster a heart shaped coffee spoon and we got the cd rack and bedside table she needed. we still have to go buy stain to finish the furniture but it is grand. next saturday the cd rack arrives (it didn't fit in the car) and wood finishing will begin.

retail therapy aside. i still feel really down. i don't know if it was just the break in. or not enough sleep. or or or. but i can't pull my head out of it. i got home and while rooster shredded papers and threw out things in her massive organize of 2008 i cleaned up the clutter i have been infecting the house with and took care of personal business. wrote the rent check. paid the rest of the bills. reserved a room for a VERY SPECIAL trip to the madonna inn in july. good stuff. stuff that makes me feel more on top of my shit. its so easy for me to lose myself in work. there are some grant things that i let slide past deadline which is a bit disappointing. and some deadlines for publications that i am just not able to get it up for yet. i want to send things out but feel this weight just holding me back aorund it.

the little wood store today though. it started to inspire me again. it made me think of a painting i want to do. and i haven't painted since 2002. i used to paint all of the time and just love it. i may be ready to try it again and make the big idea painting. i just wish i didn't feel so sad. i think i grew up not thinking that feelings are allowed. like you shouldn't make time and space for them or they just take over. and it's true. i don't know how to make space for sad and hold it with joy and walk with that duality. and that's the hard part. there are pieces of my heart that just want joy all of the time and when the other places work out their sad the happy heart pieces just get kinda heart broken because the rest of the heart won't play nice. and so its a catch 22 to pull out of it. sad begets sad.

one thing though - at the little shop - just before leaving - i saw this toy. a squeaky log shaped dog toy. rooster bought it for lucky. and when she got it - there is so much joy in that.