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Dec. 12th, 2005 10:17 ami feel torn between getting pulled into caring for someone who i like but is high maintenance and just walking away. but i don't really want to walk away. what i want is to just be trusted that we are friends, and yes i care, but i am not so available right now and can't that be ok? but it's not. it rarely is. more often people become my friend when i have a good deal of time and attention to give them, and then sometime soon after, i get caught up in my own shit and then they get upset. why don't we ever talk. and i feel like a bad gay girlfriend. meanwhile back on the ranch i am having my own annoying friend insecurities and having the bad dreams that come from having the same worries about other people, worried that i offended, worried that they don't care, what did i do wrong, etc. and so i am sensitive to the insecure friend worries, i am. and that's part of what's pulling me in to giving attention. i don't want someone to feel hurt just because i am stuck in my own head. i know how mean those demons can be. at the same time, oh hell. i am just full. and i am not giving people that i love enough time and i know it. i want to be going to events and readings and coffee dates and i am just too fucking tired all of the time. it's too much too much too much. and yet if i want a fuller life, this is exactly what it is.
so, i feel sad this morning. sad that i am misunderstood. sad that that sounds like a melodramatic 17 yr old thing to say and i should really be over it. i am making a list tonight, maybe over a coffee date with myself, of who i want to make more time for. the thing on saturday night reminded me of the love i have from friends that i don't call enough. and in turn, reminds me of the love i have for newer people in my life that i don't call enough.
how much is enough for people to know i love them, and for that to be ok? i just don't know. and i don't want to be an asshole. i do care, i care a lot and feel like i am just a friend fuck up. meanwhile back at the other ranch, i think i need to switch my anti-anxiety meds, they keep me more relaxed, but also much much more sad.
so, i feel sad this morning. sad that i am misunderstood. sad that that sounds like a melodramatic 17 yr old thing to say and i should really be over it. i am making a list tonight, maybe over a coffee date with myself, of who i want to make more time for. the thing on saturday night reminded me of the love i have from friends that i don't call enough. and in turn, reminds me of the love i have for newer people in my life that i don't call enough.
how much is enough for people to know i love them, and for that to be ok? i just don't know. and i don't want to be an asshole. i do care, i care a lot and feel like i am just a friend fuck up. meanwhile back at the other ranch, i think i need to switch my anti-anxiety meds, they keep me more relaxed, but also much much more sad.
