(no subject)

things keep building up
got another blow last night

stayed out too late drinking and being the rock for my pal who is moving to NYC and is in panic mode since the move is less than a month away and the potential roommates are doing that freaky flaky thing that tend to wig people out when they are moving across the country.

called to check in and got bad news
more bad news
call me the goddamn rock of gibraltar over here
i can take it, more and more, and i will not waver

i have spent too much money on whiskey this week
it is bringing up old demons
memories that are better left far in the distance
people that I can't get resolved about and so the thought of them just bring waves and waves of longing and missing and damn when it was good it was so good but it's not anymore and these wounds feel days old instead of six years old and there is no joy in going down this road

too much coffee chick

i drank so much coffee i am on perma blush for the last 3 hours
i am jittery and feeling a bit ill
i am hydrating and pissed at myself for knowing better

had a wonderful lunch with a shiny new friend
i didn't want to come back to work
it felt like we could've gone on and on

but last night
an old friend stopped by
and only was discouraging
almost disappointed that I am making new writer friends

fuck
i hate people sometimes
i want more time with shiny new friends
or is it all bullshit

i feel like Sally Fields unsure and unbelieving "you really really like me?"
don't know if I actually buy it
but i am trying to
because i really like
these new people
and something in me is stirring
that i am so afraid of
but i need it

i need to return
to trusting my friends
and not coming at them
with what i think they'll like
but who i actually am

i haven't had that
since pat broke up our friendship
i miss him
but i need to move forward

(no subject)

reality hit home tonight
culminating in the beginning of a mourning process that is six years late
i am angry
super fucking pissed off
but moving forward into knowing
that i can learn how to integrate all the parts of myself
into the me that I walk around with daily

i feel sad and still hopeful
i feel scared
super fucking scared
of where this could take me
but living in fear has never done me any good

we all react differently to our abuse and trauma
i still mostly don't admit mine
but its there
soon i might even be ready to tell people about it
but to even admit
that it lurks
is a first step

walk with me on the baby steps people
at the end of the path
are riches
they told me
there are riches