rat in the cage

there is a point at which one hits critical mass
and there is only to go forward with change - no matter how painful - or to retreat into a corner and wait to die

I am at that crossroads
and I am not ready to wait
*****************************

i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
*get me out of here*
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones

**************************************
i think the rollercoaster begins again
Friday was good - the queer open mic was enjoyed and everyone was fantastic!
I loved how warm and effusive Jackie & Shar were - but also so honored to have D- come and read - she is great and readers that I have known in the past coning back and wowing me and I don't know if the rest of the weekend could have been anything but a let down.

The happy the energy the reading, and then
a weekend of fog and no money and sleeping too much and not enough and whew
i am not sure if I am glad the work week has started, or incredibly bitter about it

It is already a planned past sanity sort of week, with job #2 taking up multiple post work evenings, and we'll see how it goes, but there is at least one morning where I must get up at 5:30 to go in to the dmv and get my car registered.

yuck

i wish i could live in a different way - and i feel like i am starting too, but somehow I must get out of this office culture
and it's not the business that is the trouble, people here are nice and it's not dysfunctional and I am treated well, but I itch, everyday in my skin, i itch until I bleed to get out of here - and when i am gone, free for the day, my mind feels like so much mush and there is so little time or energy for actual life

Selling a soul to the drudgery of cog life, is killing me

when does it feel better? when i go to the movies, when i go to readings, when i go to friends houses and drink tequila with no dinner and laugh like I was 16 again. The trick apparently, to survive it until i figure out an option, is to go DO things after work. The problem, is exhaustion and the hunt for the right friends to go with.

and the second challenge - how do I work on my art, when I am at home? That one I have not figured out just yet.

pretty pretty

last thing about the pictures I was jealous that joel got the gun but then mike pointed out I get to be the pirate yahar mateys! 

  

 so I added a picture to the header of my blog, got lost in swirling html code, and lost the title of my blog to cyberspace - sigh cool thing about the picture is my friend Mike drew it for me -he did a portrait of me and my pal joel . and they are both so cool - makes me smile everytime I see it for someone so invested and curious about how they are seen by other people, i like that vision of myself quite a lot but i am at work again and the admin stuff is fine, but I was talking to Ali and realizing that i just hate hate hate being cooped up in an office all day. problem is the other careers i think of turning to are so not financially solvent, and so then am I a money driven evil thing to want for financial comfort? does that contradict my artistic and poetic aspirations and corrupt me as a true artist - or more likely does it just mean that I like being able to eat food other than ramen and mac and cheese anyway - i keep thinking of the day we move or more immediately - the day my queer open mic debuts - this friday and I am excited, but with few spoken wordy events this week - i feel my momentum slowing, the channel in my brain that sees art is fuzzing out as my conscious thoughts become filled with raffle tickets and newsletters and memberships and blah blah blah by the way - i am green with envy over the live journal thing - seems so much edgier than blogger or is this a grass is greener thing...hmmmmmm