rat in the cage

[emchy]

there is a point at which one hits critical mass
and there is only to go forward with change - no matter how painful - or to retreat into a corner and wait to die

I am at that crossroads
and I am not ready to wait
*****************************

i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
*get me out of here*
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones
i am breaking the big rocks into little ones

**************************************
i think the rollercoaster begins again
Friday was good - the queer open mic was enjoyed and everyone was fantastic!
I loved how warm and effusive Jackie & Shar were - but also so honored to have D- come and read - she is great and readers that I have known in the past coning back and wowing me and I don't know if the rest of the weekend could have been anything but a let down.

The happy the energy the reading, and then
a weekend of fog and no money and sleeping too much and not enough and whew
i am not sure if I am glad the work week has started, or incredibly bitter about it

It is already a planned past sanity sort of week, with job #2 taking up multiple post work evenings, and we'll see how it goes, but there is at least one morning where I must get up at 5:30 to go in to the dmv and get my car registered.

yuck

i wish i could live in a different way - and i feel like i am starting too, but somehow I must get out of this office culture
and it's not the business that is the trouble, people here are nice and it's not dysfunctional and I am treated well, but I itch, everyday in my skin, i itch until I bleed to get out of here - and when i am gone, free for the day, my mind feels like so much mush and there is so little time or energy for actual life

Selling a soul to the drudgery of cog life, is killing me

when does it feel better? when i go to the movies, when i go to readings, when i go to friends houses and drink tequila with no dinner and laugh like I was 16 again. The trick apparently, to survive it until i figure out an option, is to go DO things after work. The problem, is exhaustion and the hunt for the right friends to go with.

and the second challenge - how do I work on my art, when I am at home? That one I have not figured out just yet.