the wind changed

[emchy]

so i have been thinking ever since i left work today
my mind feels clearer (though my throat feels scratchy which i do not like)

and i think i have been going about this the wrong way
since frameline, i have been trying to prove that i can do more
that they made a mistake by not giving me more
by having to hit that goddamn wall over and over

i know that i am smart, that i can do more, that i can conquer the world of admin drudge and get promoted and promoted and climb the non profit ladder

and today, (thank you redshrike) i started thinking about what pieces of jobs i have liked
why i liked working at the castro better than my fancy jobs, even when i got burned by popcorn oil

i like customer service. i like the zen of doing the things that are my job, consistently, busily, efficiently and then going home.

the more of my own art i do, the less time or patience i have for the demands and responsibilities of what i get paid for. so yea, i am thinking, maybe it is time for me to let go of day job ladder climbing, let go of that need to be validated by a system that doesn't feed my soul at all, and just get a job.

a regular, cog in the machine, do my job sort of job, and at night give my alter ego the time and energy that does feed my soul. work in corporate instead of non profit to afford things like writing retreats. and i don't mean taking a job with bechtel or anything. i am still some degree of an idealist, but non profits? there are a lot of people who want these gay jobs that don't pay very well and suck my soul dry with their need.

i am burnt out on non profit. ironically as june begins, i am burnt out on gay. if i had some time to take off, i would, clear my head and make sure that i am going somewhere i want. but since there isn't time or money for that, i just have to try to start walking, change things, take a leap of faith. maybe i stick around for the retreat. maybe i find someone else to help make it happen and take some job that doesn't stab my stomach and give me nightmares.

it has happened before. i stayed around out of a codependent obligation to be a good employee, and they ran out of money and i was out without much of a goodbye. so when this feels so hard, maybe its ok to take care of myself with it.

feels scary to walk down a road that at least at first feels pretty selfish... but we'll just wait and see. sometimes a shift in perspective is the best solution.

Comments

[crayonbeam.livejournal.com]

That was really refreshing to read. It's amazing how good it feels to be so busy that time flies, to solve 100 problems, and yet not have a single problem follow you home.