the wind changed
May. 31st, 2005 10:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emchyso i have been thinking ever since i left work today
my mind feels clearer (though my throat feels scratchy which i do not like)
and i think i have been going about this the wrong way
since frameline, i have been trying to prove that i can do more
that they made a mistake by not giving me more
by having to hit that goddamn wall over and over
i know that i am smart, that i can do more, that i can conquer the world of admin drudge and get promoted and promoted and climb the non profit ladder
and today, (thank you redshrike) i started thinking about what pieces of jobs i have liked
why i liked working at the castro better than my fancy jobs, even when i got burned by popcorn oil
i like customer service. i like the zen of doing the things that are my job, consistently, busily, efficiently and then going home.
the more of my own art i do, the less time or patience i have for the demands and responsibilities of what i get paid for. so yea, i am thinking, maybe it is time for me to let go of day job ladder climbing, let go of that need to be validated by a system that doesn't feed my soul at all, and just get a job.
a regular, cog in the machine, do my job sort of job, and at night give my alter ego the time and energy that does feed my soul. work in corporate instead of non profit to afford things like writing retreats. and i don't mean taking a job with bechtel or anything. i am still some degree of an idealist, but non profits? there are a lot of people who want these gay jobs that don't pay very well and suck my soul dry with their need.
i am burnt out on non profit. ironically as june begins, i am burnt out on gay. if i had some time to take off, i would, clear my head and make sure that i am going somewhere i want. but since there isn't time or money for that, i just have to try to start walking, change things, take a leap of faith. maybe i stick around for the retreat. maybe i find someone else to help make it happen and take some job that doesn't stab my stomach and give me nightmares.
it has happened before. i stayed around out of a codependent obligation to be a good employee, and they ran out of money and i was out without much of a goodbye. so when this feels so hard, maybe its ok to take care of myself with it.
feels scary to walk down a road that at least at first feels pretty selfish... but we'll just wait and see. sometimes a shift in perspective is the best solution.
my mind feels clearer (though my throat feels scratchy which i do not like)
and i think i have been going about this the wrong way
since frameline, i have been trying to prove that i can do more
that they made a mistake by not giving me more
by having to hit that goddamn wall over and over
i know that i am smart, that i can do more, that i can conquer the world of admin drudge and get promoted and promoted and climb the non profit ladder
and today, (thank you redshrike) i started thinking about what pieces of jobs i have liked
why i liked working at the castro better than my fancy jobs, even when i got burned by popcorn oil
i like customer service. i like the zen of doing the things that are my job, consistently, busily, efficiently and then going home.
the more of my own art i do, the less time or patience i have for the demands and responsibilities of what i get paid for. so yea, i am thinking, maybe it is time for me to let go of day job ladder climbing, let go of that need to be validated by a system that doesn't feed my soul at all, and just get a job.
a regular, cog in the machine, do my job sort of job, and at night give my alter ego the time and energy that does feed my soul. work in corporate instead of non profit to afford things like writing retreats. and i don't mean taking a job with bechtel or anything. i am still some degree of an idealist, but non profits? there are a lot of people who want these gay jobs that don't pay very well and suck my soul dry with their need.
i am burnt out on non profit. ironically as june begins, i am burnt out on gay. if i had some time to take off, i would, clear my head and make sure that i am going somewhere i want. but since there isn't time or money for that, i just have to try to start walking, change things, take a leap of faith. maybe i stick around for the retreat. maybe i find someone else to help make it happen and take some job that doesn't stab my stomach and give me nightmares.
it has happened before. i stayed around out of a codependent obligation to be a good employee, and they ran out of money and i was out without much of a goodbye. so when this feels so hard, maybe its ok to take care of myself with it.
feels scary to walk down a road that at least at first feels pretty selfish... but we'll just wait and see. sometimes a shift in perspective is the best solution.
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-31 10:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 08:06 am (UTC)Taking care of yourself is more than okay, it's good.
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Date: 2005-06-01 09:19 am (UTC)the other thing i started thinking about, after writing what i did, was this: when you do find jobs that you think will have more of what you like doing when you're working and less of what you don't, during the interview talk about what makes you happy in a job. talking about what you like will actually show people, right on your face, what they can hope to lok forward to. people respond to happiness; i completely dig that customer-service-interaction zen you're talking about. mine is out in the desert, working cash register at the center camp cafe, taking orders and dollars and making sure people get their beverages; to a lesser extent, but still for real, it's taking calls from people who know i'm going to answer cheerfully and put them through to my co-workers, or answer their questions or give them other phone numbers. when i interviewed at heck, i was totally thinking about what i would be doing a week later, with the happy desert custserv vibe, and i think they saw that.
and yeah, it's scary! shifting your life around, whether it's work or home or people, it's scary! but it sounds like you're doing this the smart way, thinking about what's gonna be healthy for you, and yay you for that!