turning it over and the self care of my couch

[emchy]

tonight was a reading that i have been looking forward to for all of june. enough that last week i twisted myself up to get to it. and had the date wrong. and here it is - the night of it - and i am at home. i am at home eating the first meal i have cooked myself that wasn't toast in essentially a month - give or take the two times i made eggs for someone else. i am at home having a slight allergic reaction to very tasty goat cheese and drinking whiskey and diet coke. i am at home trying to let go of a cranky that has an alien fierce grip on my forehead. i am at home with the windows open and tom waits on and i wish i had more time and more selves to be hearing the reading that is right now almost ending. but i didn't. and this was the only place i could go tonight. home to let some of this toxic fall off of my shoulders. to know that how i feel is just circumstancial and not systemic. to know that home is in fact - a refuge - and not a place to avoid anymore. i came home. i made chili from scratch and random and i got to kiss my dog. sometimes we can regret things that we know couldn't be changed no matter how many other opportunities there would be to do it different. this was the only way tonight could turn out without my breaking something important. and so it is. it's been a day of disappointing people. chosen family and family of origin. double whammy. and i know. this is just how it had to go. i'll be back to generous and helpful soon. right now i am trying to keep from drowning. and home tonight is a whole lotta flotation device.

Comments

are you my psychic twin?!

[rednfiery.livejournal.com]

cranky and toxic? check
home cooking for the the first(?) time this month? check
drinking alcoholic beverage (champagne in my case)? check
windows open? check
thinking of home as a refuge? check

i'm bought ingredients for vegetarian chili while i was out at trader joe's earlier. i'm not making it tonight, though, but will likely make it tomorrow or friday instead.

weird how in sync i feel with you and your lj postings this past week or so. which one of us is transmitting the yucky to the other, i wonder?

Re: are you my psychic twin?!

[cindymonkey.livejournal.com]

heh - i made my chili with soyrizo
go veggie chili go!

twinnage is fun - i wish it was a bit less painful though