reality check
Feb. 14th, 2005 11:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emchyit is a cold and cloudy day for the commercialized celebration of love. at my desk in a pink sweater and freezing. small jolts of love happy to the heart with a valentine from a co-worker, proper cynicism from another and a good not-so-anonymous valentine in the work mail.
as usual i am a little sad that i am at work at all. rather be in new orleans with some coffee - or at least sitting at people's or farleys writing. i haven't been writing much lately. too many strangle thought bugs fluttering around in my head. like moths around a lightbulb and i am more interested in the flight patterns than in what the thoughts themselves are.
had a good couple of days with the lady. watching casablanca and just giving each other some time. i feel frustrated because i am always wanting more time. more time with friends, more time with love just more effing time. and time to be alone and talk with people. time to drink and be social. to forge the bonds and the support and the love and and and.
i was telling the good friend about how it feels like i have been seeing ghosts for the last two weeks. not the actual spooky spectrals, but thinking i see the berkeley family, wash of panic, fear, joy like cold water and then, it isn't them. being in berkeley probably didn't help.
i feel like my options are to disconnect and run away or to live in a much more raw state than is possible if i want to actually function. i keep wanting days off to just be by myself, then being by myself sets me into a panic. such resentment and juxtaposition.
a lot of stuff to be dealing with. sometimes the more i talk about how much i am feeling, or not feeling, the less i actually let myself feel. the more time - the more naturally i can let the feelings come - be less disassociated, but for now, no time. just moments to feel the good feelings and to stomp the bad ones down. i have taken to yelling at myself while i drive around town.
i have to remember how to be thankful. it could be worse. i know that. this is all in my own head. and it's not bad - just a little empty.
as usual i am a little sad that i am at work at all. rather be in new orleans with some coffee - or at least sitting at people's or farleys writing. i haven't been writing much lately. too many strangle thought bugs fluttering around in my head. like moths around a lightbulb and i am more interested in the flight patterns than in what the thoughts themselves are.
had a good couple of days with the lady. watching casablanca and just giving each other some time. i feel frustrated because i am always wanting more time. more time with friends, more time with love just more effing time. and time to be alone and talk with people. time to drink and be social. to forge the bonds and the support and the love and and and.
i was telling the good friend about how it feels like i have been seeing ghosts for the last two weeks. not the actual spooky spectrals, but thinking i see the berkeley family, wash of panic, fear, joy like cold water and then, it isn't them. being in berkeley probably didn't help.
i feel like my options are to disconnect and run away or to live in a much more raw state than is possible if i want to actually function. i keep wanting days off to just be by myself, then being by myself sets me into a panic. such resentment and juxtaposition.
a lot of stuff to be dealing with. sometimes the more i talk about how much i am feeling, or not feeling, the less i actually let myself feel. the more time - the more naturally i can let the feelings come - be less disassociated, but for now, no time. just moments to feel the good feelings and to stomp the bad ones down. i have taken to yelling at myself while i drive around town.
i have to remember how to be thankful. it could be worse. i know that. this is all in my own head. and it's not bad - just a little empty.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-14 01:11 pm (UTC)yeah... i can name that tune. :/
whoopie for a rainy jobless monday which also happens to be valentine's day, which no matter what, always annoys me.