knowing and connection

[emchy]

feeling dreamy today. thinking of the places to go- to think about- to dream. it's all so very exciting. rooster is finishing a script tonight and the way the film is developing, watching it grow from seed to seedling, the germination and art growing process... it's all just so fucking cool. and work - work is so good lately. full of swamps and weeds and plates that spill over. but with my new boss and team structure, i feel like i am spinning those plates. i laugh in the office a lot more. i smile. i crack jokes. i am goofy. and i put my foot down and own shit when i need to. all of this without drama or crankypants. awesome. this makes me very happy. happy enough to want a new tattoo :) but... that said, i have no need or inspiration yet - so my skin stays virgin in one part or another for a bit longer. did i mention that i am excited? poems are walking through my head. wine both metaphorical and literal fills my mouth and swirls on my tongue and draws this magic out of me. is it quality magic? for me. for my eyes looking into my own words and heart muscle. yes it is magic.

last night the oldest friend offered to start looking at my poems. offering feedback. he has never done that before. it was so tender. so caring. we talked and ate and drank from 7pm until 1am. i felt like i got an infusion of family. an infusion of love that was mostly unconditional. that was just honoring of who i am. he said to me over and over. i know you. i know you. you can't bullshit me. i know you. it felt so good to hear those words. locally i don't have a lot of people that i have history with. he has been in my life and close and housemate on and off since 1995. and one of the few people that has known me and my weird brain through a consistent and constant amount of socializing. when we were on we were so on. five years of multiple daily contact that was all about choosing to hang out and talk. no matter how superficial or how much whiskey, you get to know a person in that time. you know parts of how they work. and the parts you don't are delicious mysteries. but yes. for all intents and purposes. he knows me. and it feels really good to be known.

i told him about the depression i was in and how i am so excited about pulling out of it. we had a short but really punch in the gut conversation about the triggers. that was something he didn't know. the abuse. the survivor shit. it was good to vocalise and even better to just be honestly asked about how and what and some real frank questions that were all about knowing. so much knowing and still he wants to know more. it feels also good to want to be known.

this is something i have been turning more to, both consciously and via instinct in more recent treasured friendships. some of it is LJ related. i am more honest in text than in voice. honest in terms of actual feelings and reactions and pulling the dark and twisty into the light instead of smiling past it. in person is so much about smiley for me. text - text is where the meat lives. i have some people that i am in the process of treasuring more daily. of relishing the knowing and wanting to know more. the simple truth of repeated exposure and how much knowing comes from proximity of flesh is powerful. and then again, holding someones words in your hands, that they constructed for you and sent travelling from their side of the world to yous so that you could sit and hold and read and hear their voice in your head - telling you these stories of their lives. this is also powerful.

i am loving the many ways the knowing is powerful from all angles and how it can reveal so many different truths.
this is exciting and overwhelming and i just keep feeling so blessed. you turn the faucet to on and watch the water give so so much.