emchy

i love reconnecting with old friends and finding out that you like the adults they turned into. sometimes it doesn't work out that way. then mourning happens for the person or people that aren't who they were, or at least, aren't compatible with you anymore. i am lucky. i haven't lost many.

more frequently is the simple losing touch. and the reconnection never really happens in any sort of meaningful way. a couple of weeks ago i got to refind / reconnect / rebond with one of my closest friends ever. and today, with stars firmly affixed to my eyes, i am reminded of another favorite person. and full of dreams i wish i could see her in places outside of cyberspace. i wonder if she has the keys to how i was and how i am in terms of outside perspective.

i have never been good at seeing me. is anyone? we all walk through the world so busy just trying to live and breathe and not go crazy, how is there time to determine or manipulate how other people see you? and yet i hear some people spend inordinate amounts of time at it. maybe we all do that as well to some extent. i don't know.

today i was asked to think about my character defects. i don't see myself. and i am trying very hard to not hate it. i look to other people for my keys to how i walk in the world. and while its helpful, there has to be some way to see it myself.

meanwhile, my crush on

twogunmatilda grows by leaps and bounds every day.