(no subject)

burst of energy
made coffee
called friend to confirm later plans
most of my day is all about me and excel and getting work done for the day job
hate that
sigh.
waiting for coffee to finish creating itself
it's the kind of weather where when i was a kid my mom would hand me a diet coke, and say throw on your clothes and let's go and we would go shopping and eat crappy fast food breakfast on the way and only slightly less crappy mall food for lunch but we would have that 30 minute drive there and the lunch and the drive home to be together and talk about pop culture and i would talk a lot about my friends and it was good...

i miss her... i would feel so taken care of on those days. ironic - since most of the time at the mall i was wandering around solo and being all me by myself... but really it was the way that i would feel most loved because of how much time we would have to talk and be with each other. kinda of sad now that i am writing about it that all of our bonding was just around her spending money... around this mall culture consumerism... and driving... i don't think my thoughts are quite fully former around this yet...

i just know that i am sitting here waiting for coffee and can feel the missing of her like a physical twisting wrench in my chest. and just a heavy heavy sad. she wrote me recently, said she might be saving money to come visit soon. i hope so. here feels so much more like home to me... especially since moving to the new house and it feels weird that both of my parents are so far away from where i feel home now.

obtuse and yet boring

in examining things that i have to do today

it occurs to me - what if i just say no?

which of course brings up other things that i should not be doing and makes me wonder

what if i just said yes?

how different might it all turn out? and would it be for the better - or the worse? certainly worse in the short term... but the long term?

they say curiosity killed the cat - do you think that was for good reasons or that it's just to scary little children? and how often do they say that to little boys as opposed to little girls?

(no subject)

break taken for housecleaning, johnny cash and steak slices with cabot extra sharp cheddar
now back to work
i have to post about this shit
i hate working on sundays so much
i am fucking tortured
anyway
bitch. whine. moan. back to excel...

ps
i made new icons... this is one of em

(no subject)

when i am not working on this horrible project
or while i am rather
i am listening to a johnette napolitano album
and feeling so much romance and nostalgia
and wishing i was working on a letter right now
a letter that would go to the people that i have lost that makes them know
how much they did matter and that we just had to run through our time and them be done
a letter that would bring some of us back together
a letter that would work some magic and put just the right people
on the banks of cedar river by the brenke fish ladder
on this exact fall night with the air crisp and perfect for smoking
and all of the right people would be there
current friends, online friends, past friends - just the right people in just the right place
and we would drink beer and wine and smoke cigarettes and cloves and pot
and the grass would lure us in
and so would the swingsets and the lights of the power plant across the water
bouncing light off of the waterfall
and we would lie in each thers arms
we would wrestle around and swing in the swings
and run and tumble and silly and yell
her face would look pink from the lights of the pussycat lounge next to the park and across the street from the one gay bookstore. the new gay bar we haven't been too is broadcasting pop music that sounds like a racous carnival by the time it reaches us three blocks away. i remind you that that wasn't there the first time.

and it's hilarious because we were never all here together
but if i drink another glass of wine
and turn up this album just a little louder
it's almost like i am there right now

if you had to name it

and someone asked you
to choose an album that would sound like
just beauty washing over them while they listened to it
just gorgeous and overwhelming and fucking beautiful
the kind of thing where you put the album on and melt into the couch or floor listening to it...

what album would you name?

(no subject)

work done, lazy on the couch with candles on, a clean (ish) house and a glass of wine.
jack olanterns in the window. rooster is still at the film shoot but should be home soon.
mingus with his symposium of jazz and poetry won for music.

today was a quirky day. woke up in what i would define as a cranky mood. snapped out of it after burning breakfast and went to go meet the portland friend who is now the san diego friend and may soon be becoming the petaluma friend... well anyway - she is in town so i headed to golden gate park to meet for some bonding time with her and her petit amour ryder. she is so happy as a mom. and a damn good mom too. we sat and watched the pet fiar / dog show / dog costume wackiness at the field next to hippie hill. when did it start being known, like KNOWN as hippie hill? as a former resident of that neighborhood, it bugs me for some reason. totally inexplicable. anyway. good times with the friend and her kid and the many costumed critters and a walk into the haight and back...

then home to the lucky dog and the eager kittens. i have been feeling so... right about this new house. i am having more people over to visit then ever before really. and it's all been so random. nothing planned just - hey wanna come over. and people do... and it's good. go figure. and just the vibe here... i like it. i love the small district over at 45th and noriega. i think that we'll leave here in a year or so (it isn't really quite perfect though we love it) and move over there if at all possible. hang out at the sea biscuit and walk to the ocean and be proper beach bum bohemian artsy fuckers...

i like that for a plan.