bi-dyke pal

ok - who are you? sending me anonymous valentines, living in oakland....

hmmmm better fess up soon or i will reveal your return address to the world

seriously - if you mailed me an anon valentine to my work - it's creeping me out a little
let me know that you're a friend of mine and not some freaky freak

***UPDATE 11:50am
the secret has been revealed - i am totally charmed - and now also realize that i am very neurotic when it comes to surprises... yes i used to find, open and rewrap all of my presents before major holidays... thank you my bi-dyke pal for reminding me of how fun a surprise can be xo

reality check

it is a cold and cloudy day for the commercialized celebration of love. at my desk in a pink sweater and freezing. small jolts of love happy to the heart with a valentine from a co-worker, proper cynicism from another and a good not-so-anonymous valentine in the work mail.

as usual i am a little sad that i am at work at all. rather be in new orleans with some coffee - or at least sitting at people's or farleys writing. i haven't been writing much lately. too many strangle thought bugs fluttering around in my head. like moths around a lightbulb and i am more interested in the flight patterns than in what the thoughts themselves are.

had a good couple of days with the lady. watching casablanca and just giving each other some time. i feel frustrated because i am always wanting more time. more time with friends, more time with love just more effing time. and time to be alone and talk with people. time to drink and be social. to forge the bonds and the support and the love and and and.

i was telling the good friend about how it feels like i have been seeing ghosts for the last two weeks. not the actual spooky spectrals, but thinking i see the berkeley family, wash of panic, fear, joy like cold water and then, it isn't them. being in berkeley probably didn't help.

i feel like my options are to disconnect and run away or to live in a much more raw state than is possible if i want to actually function. i keep wanting days off to just be by myself, then being by myself sets me into a panic. such resentment and juxtaposition.

a lot of stuff to be dealing with. sometimes the more i talk about how much i am feeling, or not feeling, the less i actually let myself feel. the more time - the more naturally i can let the feelings come - be less disassociated, but for now, no time. just moments to feel the good feelings and to stomp the bad ones down. i have taken to yelling at myself while i drive around town.

i have to remember how to be thankful. it could be worse. i know that. this is all in my own head. and it's not bad - just a little empty.

hmmm

again with these quizzes - is this good or bad? i don't trust it, but anyway...

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How scary are you?

(no subject)

i want to be a better person
i just feel so full of angry and unhappy

i know i am a poet
everything else is up in the air
isn't it possible to do something for $$ that doesn't kill your soul?
and how the fuck do you figure out what that is?
i just feel so lost...