emchy

truth.
real fact based truth vs emotional truth?
i think lately i have been walking in a whole lotta emotional truth and not so much with the fact based
i like my feet in the dirt
i like facts.
when i look at the facts i am doing alright.
i wish i was doing.saying. being more. but i also feel done with apologizing. especially to myself. about where i am and am not with my own placement in my life. call it bday time re-examining. but i am done with wanting to worry. about things. i want to move forward. i want to create and do. and i have been creating and doing. i have been moving forward. and the more that i do it offline, the more room i have to actually call, email, text people and reconnect with them. last night while rooster got some film feedback i waited for her / took myself on an art date writing at ritual. i wrote for 2.5 hours solid before happenstance brought

sherilyn to my table. it's been a long time since i have written so much longhand and you know what? i had the devils grin on the whole time. you know that smile when you know that it's all just too perfect and it feels somehow sinful to be that happy. i had that. after a day where i felt like i never wanted to even exist anymore. i gave myself some time and some space and tada. when the words leave the brain, the paper fills up and the brain, it finds space.

i am excited for the next year. and i don't think that jinxes anything. i want to put the gas pedal to the floor and just TRY everything. i dont know what that looks like yet. maybe it means i finally answer my cell phone once in a while. (eep). maybe it means more nights at cafes writing. or more nights at gypsy jazz feeling life in my blood. or days wandering parks. or more impromptu trips to other parts of the country. i'm not sure yet how living all out realizes for me. i do know that i am writing more. and the more i write, the closer fact based and emotional truths get. the more firmly in the dirt my feet are, the more poems grow between my toes and make me pay attention.

i have some people who are showing me immense amounts of love and care without a whole lot in return right now. i am getting to a place where i can return it and that makes me so happy. i got some owe-ing to do. and the me that has room to go to oakland and walk in a park, to meet at the club and talk all night, to come over for dinner and hang out, to call instead of text or email, to pick up the phone when it rings, to go to the market before breakfast, to do all of these things that make me full of joy. that version of me is starting to surface. i don't want to scare it off just yet. but i am telling you. even with the sad news (twofold) that hit today. i have a crapton of hope. and hope really - is what gets me through.