(no subject)

[emchy]

i feel torn between getting pulled into caring for someone who i like but is high maintenance and just walking away. but i don't really want to walk away. what i want is to just be trusted that we are friends, and yes i care, but i am not so available right now and can't that be ok? but it's not. it rarely is. more often people become my friend when i have a good deal of time and attention to give them, and then sometime soon after, i get caught up in my own shit and then they get upset. why don't we ever talk. and i feel like a bad gay girlfriend. meanwhile back on the ranch i am having my own annoying friend insecurities and having the bad dreams that come from having the same worries about other people, worried that i offended, worried that they don't care, what did i do wrong, etc. and so i am sensitive to the insecure friend worries, i am. and that's part of what's pulling me in to giving attention. i don't want someone to feel hurt just because i am stuck in my own head. i know how mean those demons can be. at the same time, oh hell. i am just full. and i am not giving people that i love enough time and i know it. i want to be going to events and readings and coffee dates and i am just too fucking tired all of the time. it's too much too much too much. and yet if i want a fuller life, this is exactly what it is.

so, i feel sad this morning. sad that i am misunderstood. sad that that sounds like a melodramatic 17 yr old thing to say and i should really be over it. i am making a list tonight, maybe over a coffee date with myself, of who i want to make more time for. the thing on saturday night reminded me of the love i have from friends that i don't call enough. and in turn, reminds me of the love i have for newer people in my life that i don't call enough.

how much is enough for people to know i love them, and for that to be ok? i just don't know. and i don't want to be an asshole. i do care, i care a lot and feel like i am just a friend fuck up. meanwhile back at the other ranch, i think i need to switch my anti-anxiety meds, they keep me more relaxed, but also much much more sad.

Comments

[liquid-siftings.livejournal.com]

A good friend should understand that you have your own needs and your own life with its own pressures. There is a big gap between needing space and abandoning those you care about, and it is a shame that there are those whose demands are so high that they cannot see this.

What this also means is that they tend to lack the perspective and empathy to respond to and respect your needs. If, when you explain your needs and confirm your love, they cannot live with that, then ultimately you need to take care of yourself, and that is not being a bad friend, it's living your life.

Good luck with this.

[justin42.livejournal.com]

Hey monkey,

'Tis the season for meloncholy and hibernation. For just wanting to pull in and regroup and suss things out. Don't be too hard on yourself about being a "bad friend" or not feeling like you have the resources to reach out right now. Most people I know are currently feeling what you're feeling. I've found that the friendships in my life that were built to last were the ones that didn't go away just because I couldn't pay a lot of attention to them all the time. Built-to-last friends understand how life ebbs and flows and sometimes we spend tons of time together and other times, not so much, but we know we love each other. Insecurities surface, but it's good to remember you're not in charge of anyone else's feelings. I find reassurances only temporarily soothe insecurities because they're not really about me anyway. Usually there's an underlying fear of being unwanted or unlovable that surfaces when someone encounters something that feels like disinterest or rejection. You can't take that on. You can say what's up for you... that it's not about them... but don't wear yourself out trying to convince anyone. At some point, you know what's true, and they accept what you say or they make it be about something else, but that's their deal. From what I can see, you're a good friend who cares a lot and is currently feeling spread too thin. If you haven't already, maybe explain that you're feeling so thin and tired and like hibernating and could this friend please be patient and compassionate with you around that? Maybe you've already said that. Anyway, remember it's the season for this sort of thing, and be gentle with yourself. You'll probably find you have more resources for reaching out to friends as the weather warms up and the days get longer again.

[kattygirl.livejournal.com]

take time for yourself. when you take care of you, the rest will fall into place. i'm sure you already know this. you will not be a good friend if you are only in it half-assed, forced by guilt or whatever. those that truly love you are gonna stick around and when you are feeling better they will be aware of your love once more. that is just it. YOU have insight, YOU understand how they can feel left out. is it not important for you to get the same understanding in return? maybe the ones you are talking about haven't quite learned these things yet. giving in when you are not in the place to do so certainly isn't gonna help them to come to these necessary realizations. it's christmas. unfortunately, this is the month designed for roller coaster highs and ocean depth lows. take care of yourself. i wish you the best.