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Mar. 1st, 2005 09:56 amwhat a funny time
last night was odd - had some folks over that i had never had in my homne before. it was a couple, and i am fairly used to their dynamics, but seeing those dynamics in a new setting was odd - not bad, just odd. had a couple moments of feeling a bit trashy - realizing that people expect to sit around a kitchen table and eat all civilized and not just take it over to the living room... and so there was time spent clearing off the kitchen table while people held their plates, it was a bit shaming though i know that wasn't meant by it. feeds into my whole thing about wanting to have a 'nice house' and instead have the thrift store clutter zone, which doesn't even feel quite eclectic enough to work that aesthetic in the way i like.
sigh.
much drinking and stoning though while watching the american idol. such a guilty pleasure. and as for last night, a guilty pleasure that i barely remember. i do remember the friends leaving within 5 minutes of the show ending. abrupt makes me nervous. it was my second encounter with abrupt that day and i always wonder - what got suddenly stinky that you run away so fast? - but usually it has nothing to do with me... usually... so i just let it slide.
i was sad though that i couldn't enjoy the warm fog on my brain. kept trying to write, to think, to worry and create drama in my head that banged around it's little cage until finally i turned the space heater on full blast to make the bedroom super sleepy hot and i tried to go to sleep.
and the morning just brought more unsettled. didn't make it to the park for the dog walk. didn't get the papers that i need to sign. i want to not be working right now. just for a day or two. to not be obligated to anyone. to not have plans but to have many things spontaneously pop up. to call the gorgeous one and take her for a long walk on fort funston before her trip. and then pop over to north beach and call rau and have her meet me for coffee. then head solo up to city lights and read in the poetry room - one gift to myself allowed before leaving. and if geography wasn't an issue. and if money wasn't an issue. somewhere in there i get to take the friend out to point abbey on keewenaw bay and look at the stars over lake superior and hike up to silver mountain and do a bonfire with k & s meeting us there. later i get back to the cozy cabin and start a fire with the lady. we cuddle in front of the fire and then all of the folks from the above adventure come over and we play poker, cribbage, and at least one round of clue. for the sober folks - their favorite treats and snax and drinks, for the drinkers, makers mark abounds.
i want a day full of surprise adventures. what i have (at least until 5) is a day of looking for them in emails/journals/postings and testimonials from you.
last night was odd - had some folks over that i had never had in my homne before. it was a couple, and i am fairly used to their dynamics, but seeing those dynamics in a new setting was odd - not bad, just odd. had a couple moments of feeling a bit trashy - realizing that people expect to sit around a kitchen table and eat all civilized and not just take it over to the living room... and so there was time spent clearing off the kitchen table while people held their plates, it was a bit shaming though i know that wasn't meant by it. feeds into my whole thing about wanting to have a 'nice house' and instead have the thrift store clutter zone, which doesn't even feel quite eclectic enough to work that aesthetic in the way i like.
sigh.
much drinking and stoning though while watching the american idol. such a guilty pleasure. and as for last night, a guilty pleasure that i barely remember. i do remember the friends leaving within 5 minutes of the show ending. abrupt makes me nervous. it was my second encounter with abrupt that day and i always wonder - what got suddenly stinky that you run away so fast? - but usually it has nothing to do with me... usually... so i just let it slide.
i was sad though that i couldn't enjoy the warm fog on my brain. kept trying to write, to think, to worry and create drama in my head that banged around it's little cage until finally i turned the space heater on full blast to make the bedroom super sleepy hot and i tried to go to sleep.
and the morning just brought more unsettled. didn't make it to the park for the dog walk. didn't get the papers that i need to sign. i want to not be working right now. just for a day or two. to not be obligated to anyone. to not have plans but to have many things spontaneously pop up. to call the gorgeous one and take her for a long walk on fort funston before her trip. and then pop over to north beach and call rau and have her meet me for coffee. then head solo up to city lights and read in the poetry room - one gift to myself allowed before leaving. and if geography wasn't an issue. and if money wasn't an issue. somewhere in there i get to take the friend out to point abbey on keewenaw bay and look at the stars over lake superior and hike up to silver mountain and do a bonfire with k & s meeting us there. later i get back to the cozy cabin and start a fire with the lady. we cuddle in front of the fire and then all of the folks from the above adventure come over and we play poker, cribbage, and at least one round of clue. for the sober folks - their favorite treats and snax and drinks, for the drinkers, makers mark abounds.
i want a day full of surprise adventures. what i have (at least until 5) is a day of looking for them in emails/journals/postings and testimonials from you.
