almost blue, but not quite

finally home tody - and feeling a little down, not exactly sad, but getting there, and then feeling pretty lame, that i am feeling sad when i have so much to not be sad about

went into the vortex hell known as day after xmas sales today - once i got coffee it was very fun. i love getting super fancy wrapping paper at 50% off. less than i would pay for bargain basement crapola, and i get the shiny designer bougeouise wrap that allows me to live an anthropolgie lifestyle at target prices. yay!

but sadly the holiday spirit which i saw around for the last few weeks was fucking gone, and if one more grandmotherly type runs me over with her packages, without so much as an excuse me or a sympathetic look, i will get hostile. which is why i am home now.

picked up a few things with the cash presents i got - made me happy to get little somethings. went over to buy these fancy things at stich, but good for them, they were closed to give the employees some time off.

then i got a phone call from my dear I. - found out that a bunch of my old pals got together for some holiday cheer without me. he didn't tell me in a mean way, but i felt a little left out and hurt. then ran into P. who i knew was at the holiday gathering, we had impromptu lunch together and he didn't mention it. which seemed odd, and kind of pushed the knife a little deeper. made it seem more intentional that i wasn't supposed to know about the gathering, and was not supposed to be invited. i know i have been slightly more unavailable this past year with that crowd, but nothing negative happened and i still love them very much, and so, sadness is creeping in

i think there is also a xmas is over sort of let down. i love buying and making the gifts, the expectation, the getting to share thoughts of love with people for no reason, and this time of year it doesn't make you seem crazy. i don't know. plus the lady is still very sick, and i am a worrier. i do not like that her chest has felt it was on fire and lungs filling with fluid for the last few days. no me gusta. hope hope tomorrow that she can get into the doctor.

today was supposed to be xmas cooky day. we'll see. the lady is taking a nap, and i want to take my new book of poetry and curl up at the cafe down the street, though i think with these crowds i will just curl up on the couch.

i don't know why i feel like crying. why this melancholy is just so pervasive right now. i hav some more suspicisions. the birthday is coming, and i anticipate angst escalating with it. plus the finances are going to limit how fancy i can make it for her, and of course, i always want it to be the fanciest for her. sigh.

i think i had better find some art to go to this week, or my own mind might just drive me crazy.

all is well in love and hip hop

ok - depression set in
then...
on the town, gene kelly and frank sinatra full of joy
then the cabaret musical soundtrack from the original broadway show
ok better
then a trip to safeway in the rain
which reminded me
of doing my hair for an hour, and getting all tramped out and going to get judi in the ice storm
and deciding not to drive to detroit, since the car spun out approx once a mile, even driving 5 miles an hour
and all of the fun we used to have
drinking boonesfarm in mcdonalds cups and losing our ability to walk, but not the ability to kiss
and so i called her and merry xmas and talked talked talked
and it was so good and i missed seeing her last weekend, but she is so good
and the mood lifted more
and came home and the lady was cooking us dinner
and lil kim was on
and all vestiges of cranky flew out the window
as it became dance party usa in the kitchen

so now we are on to
the grinch
and then
a preview of cabaret for the fancy screening at the castro on new years eve
and i am feeling better

oh and somewhere in there was coffee too....