(no subject)
Apr. 24th, 2005 11:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emchyi am fully mired in memory lane
artsyspaz from high school hung out for a while on friday night - and i love her madly, but wow she reminded me of things i haven't thought of since the month i left high school. things i did and organized, people i loved, things that meant the world that once i was gone just sort of fell away. always except for one. do we always want the one that we had, let go of and can't get again? such a good friend and it seems gone forever. every so often i reobsess and want to reconnect. i don't expect anything except a conversation - that is too much to ask and i don't understand and it will never be resolved and that is what i have to live with.
so today - looking through an old yearbook (intent on figuring out what other dykes there were) i got SO triggered, and of course meanwhile i am listening to my final college radio show, and right at that very moment that i saw a picture that left me short of breath, came my voice on the cassette, four years after high school dedicating a song to this same guy. the first surrogate brother i ever had. and just like the first one, it was great, until it wasn't.
so i'm feeling a little weird. also i am missing an important high school relic that i haven't been able to find for a few months which is making me super cranky. i just wish it was easier to stay connected and not lose people. i used to be really good at it. and i don't want to be anymore.
meanwhile - waiting for friend to call for social before the lady gets home later. it'd be nice to fill my day with conversations and action and reaching out before she is off work and it becomes couple time, and freelance work and grocery shopping. i am looking forward to that too. but don't want to have the solo void and closed circle of not seeing friends today.
act of will power: do not call: patrick or david. this is very important. DO NOT CALL THEM.
artsyspaz from high school hung out for a while on friday night - and i love her madly, but wow she reminded me of things i haven't thought of since the month i left high school. things i did and organized, people i loved, things that meant the world that once i was gone just sort of fell away. always except for one. do we always want the one that we had, let go of and can't get again? such a good friend and it seems gone forever. every so often i reobsess and want to reconnect. i don't expect anything except a conversation - that is too much to ask and i don't understand and it will never be resolved and that is what i have to live with.
so today - looking through an old yearbook (intent on figuring out what other dykes there were) i got SO triggered, and of course meanwhile i am listening to my final college radio show, and right at that very moment that i saw a picture that left me short of breath, came my voice on the cassette, four years after high school dedicating a song to this same guy. the first surrogate brother i ever had. and just like the first one, it was great, until it wasn't.
so i'm feeling a little weird. also i am missing an important high school relic that i haven't been able to find for a few months which is making me super cranky. i just wish it was easier to stay connected and not lose people. i used to be really good at it. and i don't want to be anymore.
meanwhile - waiting for friend to call for social before the lady gets home later. it'd be nice to fill my day with conversations and action and reaching out before she is off work and it becomes couple time, and freelance work and grocery shopping. i am looking forward to that too. but don't want to have the solo void and closed circle of not seeing friends today.
act of will power: do not call: patrick or david. this is very important. DO NOT CALL THEM.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-24 11:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-24 11:56 am (UTC)you still interested?
(and omigod i cannot stop obsessing, i hate it when the past knocks on your brain)
no subject
Date: 2005-04-24 12:00 pm (UTC)Yes!
(and omigod i cannot stop obsessing, i hate it when the past knocks on your brain)
I understand. I'm kind of obsessing on the past six years, especially the early days. I really wish I could stop.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-24 11:18 pm (UTC)if only i could get paid for it
no subject
Date: 2005-04-24 11:19 pm (UTC)i was gonna call u for grocery shopping trip in the car earlier and couldn't...