ex smokers - a question for you
Apr. 24th, 2009 09:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emchyi am primarily a social smoker. out at clubs. at band practice. like once maybe twice a week i light up. usually on someone else's dime. other ex smokers/ ex social smokers - how do you not smoke in these situations?
i know its more of a mental game than physical at this point
i hate how my body feels and that is why to quit
but i still romanticize the smoking. it still makes me feel good and tough and like i will live forever so why not when i smoke. i feel more alive. ironic right as it means i will actually live shorter. but it makes me feel like i am living for the moment. devil may care. etc.
i feel like i need to roll differently this time. to talk more about the stopping. to look for tips and ways to succeed. rooster asked me how she can help and i don't know. i don't even know how to help myself. when trying to change eating habits or lose weight i was always the extremist. only celery cut out all other foods. and it drives me to a bigger reaction the other way. i know that isn't healthy and leads to binge eating. ironically i have tried to do the same thing with smoking with the exact same binge sort of reaction. which is why i thought that social smoking - knowing i could have one if i wanted here and there, was a solution - i thought - to keep me from daily smoking. and it has kept me from daily smoking. but holding an unlit cigarette to squash the mind instinct to barely smoking one turned into a slippery slope. sure it's less than when i was working at atom and taking smoke breaks from the stress, or even at jaman where i would stress myself into a smoke break now and then too. but at jaman i broke the smoking at work habit. in the fall after tour. i just kicked it and was able to go back to the unlit cigarette at bars thing. and like i said slippery slope. now full of rationalizations and bad breathing last weekend i took a good look at what was going on and realized i needed to stop the social smoking. and that felt scary. my stress reliever pressure valve yay i am out having a good time and devil may care vice needed to go away. so i was coming around to the idea and was gonna cut it off casually. but last night i got a wake up call. and realized yea no i need to do this real. i need the quitting to not be a dirty little secret just because i am afraid of other people seeing me fail. i need it to be out in the open so that i am more accountable to myself. i need to figure out a way to have faith in myself that i can do this and that being open about it is one way to do that. i need to swallow the shame i have from being a smoker and not let that stop me from talking about quitting - from talking about the shame around the dependency.
it's scary. smoking has mostly been there for me for a long time as a mean little safety net when my emotions felt too big to handle and i needed to burn some of the intense off. when i wanted to just blow off some metaphorical steam. when i felt nervous or socially awkward and it gave me something to do with my hands or a good reason to not talk. when i wanted a reason to strike up a conversation with people outside of a bar that might make interesting connections and friendships. when i wanted a reminder of how it felt to be 17 and smoking on ianthe's porch or with judi out at the lake. there is a lot of emotion and memory and attachment tied up in it. it's a low lying physical addiction if any - but it's a huge mental and symbolic break to be making. i know smoking is neither sexy nor cool and yet my mind sees it that way. part of me thinks if i leave it completely behind do i leave all of that sexy outsider outlaw behind too? i know the answer is no logically, but emotionally i am not there yet. but there or not i need to do this for me.
i would rather be playing my accordion with 'grandma emchy's hot hopping jug band' at 98 years old out on the porch than i would be smoking on the sidewalk this weekend outside of a club.
and so a new journey begins. scaring the crap out of me.
suggestions or tips or advice welcome.
i know its more of a mental game than physical at this point
i hate how my body feels and that is why to quit
but i still romanticize the smoking. it still makes me feel good and tough and like i will live forever so why not when i smoke. i feel more alive. ironic right as it means i will actually live shorter. but it makes me feel like i am living for the moment. devil may care. etc.
i feel like i need to roll differently this time. to talk more about the stopping. to look for tips and ways to succeed. rooster asked me how she can help and i don't know. i don't even know how to help myself. when trying to change eating habits or lose weight i was always the extremist. only celery cut out all other foods. and it drives me to a bigger reaction the other way. i know that isn't healthy and leads to binge eating. ironically i have tried to do the same thing with smoking with the exact same binge sort of reaction. which is why i thought that social smoking - knowing i could have one if i wanted here and there, was a solution - i thought - to keep me from daily smoking. and it has kept me from daily smoking. but holding an unlit cigarette to squash the mind instinct to barely smoking one turned into a slippery slope. sure it's less than when i was working at atom and taking smoke breaks from the stress, or even at jaman where i would stress myself into a smoke break now and then too. but at jaman i broke the smoking at work habit. in the fall after tour. i just kicked it and was able to go back to the unlit cigarette at bars thing. and like i said slippery slope. now full of rationalizations and bad breathing last weekend i took a good look at what was going on and realized i needed to stop the social smoking. and that felt scary. my stress reliever pressure valve yay i am out having a good time and devil may care vice needed to go away. so i was coming around to the idea and was gonna cut it off casually. but last night i got a wake up call. and realized yea no i need to do this real. i need the quitting to not be a dirty little secret just because i am afraid of other people seeing me fail. i need it to be out in the open so that i am more accountable to myself. i need to figure out a way to have faith in myself that i can do this and that being open about it is one way to do that. i need to swallow the shame i have from being a smoker and not let that stop me from talking about quitting - from talking about the shame around the dependency.
it's scary. smoking has mostly been there for me for a long time as a mean little safety net when my emotions felt too big to handle and i needed to burn some of the intense off. when i wanted to just blow off some metaphorical steam. when i felt nervous or socially awkward and it gave me something to do with my hands or a good reason to not talk. when i wanted a reason to strike up a conversation with people outside of a bar that might make interesting connections and friendships. when i wanted a reminder of how it felt to be 17 and smoking on ianthe's porch or with judi out at the lake. there is a lot of emotion and memory and attachment tied up in it. it's a low lying physical addiction if any - but it's a huge mental and symbolic break to be making. i know smoking is neither sexy nor cool and yet my mind sees it that way. part of me thinks if i leave it completely behind do i leave all of that sexy outsider outlaw behind too? i know the answer is no logically, but emotionally i am not there yet. but there or not i need to do this for me.
i would rather be playing my accordion with 'grandma emchy's hot hopping jug band' at 98 years old out on the porch than i would be smoking on the sidewalk this weekend outside of a club.
and so a new journey begins. scaring the crap out of me.
suggestions or tips or advice welcome.
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Date: 2009-04-25 02:40 am (UTC)And it's a shackle that keeps you from everything you want--lungs and stamina and long life and good smelling. It's the lover who who always lies while smiling. You will be so glad to be rid of her.
Acupuncture worked wonders for me--there's a great detox protocol. (What did NOT work was cinnamon sticks, in case you were thinking of trying them--in quantity they're an upper, and you will be as wired as you wanna be.) I would also, like others, advise avoiding things that make you want to smoke for a while. At least you can go to most bars these days; I had to stop even that because they were still smoky!
You might also hook up a "sponsor"--someone you can call when you want a cigarette and laugh and cry and bitch and get past it. Or get Buddish about it: be with the feeling, but don't hold onto it, and observe how the craving manifests and then evaporates. (Really, it does.)
And know we're all cheering you on.