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ex smokers - a question for you
Apr. 24th, 2009 09:47 ami am primarily a social smoker. out at clubs. at band practice. like once maybe twice a week i light up. usually on someone else's dime. other ex smokers/ ex social smokers - how do you not smoke in these situations?
i know its more of a mental game than physical at this point
i hate how my body feels and that is why to quit
but i still romanticize the smoking. it still makes me feel good and tough and like i will live forever so why not when i smoke. i feel more alive. ironic right as it means i will actually live shorter. but it makes me feel like i am living for the moment. devil may care. etc.
i feel like i need to roll differently this time. to talk more about the stopping. to look for tips and ways to succeed. rooster asked me how she can help and i don't know. i don't even know how to help myself. when trying to change eating habits or lose weight i was always the extremist. only celery cut out all other foods. and it drives me to a bigger reaction the other way. i know that isn't healthy and leads to binge eating. ironically i have tried to do the same thing with smoking with the exact same binge sort of reaction. which is why i thought that social smoking - knowing i could have one if i wanted here and there, was a solution - i thought - to keep me from daily smoking. and it has kept me from daily smoking. but holding an unlit cigarette to squash the mind instinct to barely smoking one turned into a slippery slope. sure it's less than when i was working at atom and taking smoke breaks from the stress, or even at jaman where i would stress myself into a smoke break now and then too. but at jaman i broke the smoking at work habit. in the fall after tour. i just kicked it and was able to go back to the unlit cigarette at bars thing. and like i said slippery slope. now full of rationalizations and bad breathing last weekend i took a good look at what was going on and realized i needed to stop the social smoking. and that felt scary. my stress reliever pressure valve yay i am out having a good time and devil may care vice needed to go away. so i was coming around to the idea and was gonna cut it off casually. but last night i got a wake up call. and realized yea no i need to do this real. i need the quitting to not be a dirty little secret just because i am afraid of other people seeing me fail. i need it to be out in the open so that i am more accountable to myself. i need to figure out a way to have faith in myself that i can do this and that being open about it is one way to do that. i need to swallow the shame i have from being a smoker and not let that stop me from talking about quitting - from talking about the shame around the dependency.
it's scary. smoking has mostly been there for me for a long time as a mean little safety net when my emotions felt too big to handle and i needed to burn some of the intense off. when i wanted to just blow off some metaphorical steam. when i felt nervous or socially awkward and it gave me something to do with my hands or a good reason to not talk. when i wanted a reason to strike up a conversation with people outside of a bar that might make interesting connections and friendships. when i wanted a reminder of how it felt to be 17 and smoking on ianthe's porch or with judi out at the lake. there is a lot of emotion and memory and attachment tied up in it. it's a low lying physical addiction if any - but it's a huge mental and symbolic break to be making. i know smoking is neither sexy nor cool and yet my mind sees it that way. part of me thinks if i leave it completely behind do i leave all of that sexy outsider outlaw behind too? i know the answer is no logically, but emotionally i am not there yet. but there or not i need to do this for me.
i would rather be playing my accordion with 'grandma emchy's hot hopping jug band' at 98 years old out on the porch than i would be smoking on the sidewalk this weekend outside of a club.
and so a new journey begins. scaring the crap out of me.
suggestions or tips or advice welcome.
i know its more of a mental game than physical at this point
i hate how my body feels and that is why to quit
but i still romanticize the smoking. it still makes me feel good and tough and like i will live forever so why not when i smoke. i feel more alive. ironic right as it means i will actually live shorter. but it makes me feel like i am living for the moment. devil may care. etc.
i feel like i need to roll differently this time. to talk more about the stopping. to look for tips and ways to succeed. rooster asked me how she can help and i don't know. i don't even know how to help myself. when trying to change eating habits or lose weight i was always the extremist. only celery cut out all other foods. and it drives me to a bigger reaction the other way. i know that isn't healthy and leads to binge eating. ironically i have tried to do the same thing with smoking with the exact same binge sort of reaction. which is why i thought that social smoking - knowing i could have one if i wanted here and there, was a solution - i thought - to keep me from daily smoking. and it has kept me from daily smoking. but holding an unlit cigarette to squash the mind instinct to barely smoking one turned into a slippery slope. sure it's less than when i was working at atom and taking smoke breaks from the stress, or even at jaman where i would stress myself into a smoke break now and then too. but at jaman i broke the smoking at work habit. in the fall after tour. i just kicked it and was able to go back to the unlit cigarette at bars thing. and like i said slippery slope. now full of rationalizations and bad breathing last weekend i took a good look at what was going on and realized i needed to stop the social smoking. and that felt scary. my stress reliever pressure valve yay i am out having a good time and devil may care vice needed to go away. so i was coming around to the idea and was gonna cut it off casually. but last night i got a wake up call. and realized yea no i need to do this real. i need the quitting to not be a dirty little secret just because i am afraid of other people seeing me fail. i need it to be out in the open so that i am more accountable to myself. i need to figure out a way to have faith in myself that i can do this and that being open about it is one way to do that. i need to swallow the shame i have from being a smoker and not let that stop me from talking about quitting - from talking about the shame around the dependency.
it's scary. smoking has mostly been there for me for a long time as a mean little safety net when my emotions felt too big to handle and i needed to burn some of the intense off. when i wanted to just blow off some metaphorical steam. when i felt nervous or socially awkward and it gave me something to do with my hands or a good reason to not talk. when i wanted a reason to strike up a conversation with people outside of a bar that might make interesting connections and friendships. when i wanted a reminder of how it felt to be 17 and smoking on ianthe's porch or with judi out at the lake. there is a lot of emotion and memory and attachment tied up in it. it's a low lying physical addiction if any - but it's a huge mental and symbolic break to be making. i know smoking is neither sexy nor cool and yet my mind sees it that way. part of me thinks if i leave it completely behind do i leave all of that sexy outsider outlaw behind too? i know the answer is no logically, but emotionally i am not there yet. but there or not i need to do this for me.
i would rather be playing my accordion with 'grandma emchy's hot hopping jug band' at 98 years old out on the porch than i would be smoking on the sidewalk this weekend outside of a club.
and so a new journey begins. scaring the crap out of me.
suggestions or tips or advice welcome.
