Voice Post:

falling in it - adventures in jazz

today is looking to be one of those laid back amicable with my own leisure sorts of days. slept later than rooster and woke up to hot goat hill coffee and a toasty apartment. a small miracle of fate that i live in one of the colder parts of town and finally have actually heat. breakfast waited until afternoon and i have a full day of cooking for the next week, writing, practicing the accordion, crocheting and tidying planned. I am offering my time to no one except myself and where the temptations of tasks and time take me.

i sat down to start some writing in the office, cruising some random social networkings first and grabbed the Mingus Live at Cornell discs that smallstages burned for me awhile ago. headphones on, candle lit, coffee at my side i put the music in the laptop and oh my god. it's like i just started walking started running stared falling right into that place. that sweet spot where my mind and thoughts turn in around and on top of each other in the most sacred dance of who i am and how i want to look at the world. how i want to see things when i am not worried, when i am not stressed, when i am just letting me be me. the feeling of walking through open and yet dense michigan woods of my childhood withthe walkman on. the smell of wild grasses and bitey cold air filling my nose as i walk towards the old stream which was really more like a river that fed into the lake. the one whose old concrete bridge had fallen into the water decades ago. and so it was always climb down onto the broken concrete and jump into the middle and then jump up to the foundation on the other side and the smells changed to cold water and snake grass green and the dirt smelled thicker on the other side. state owned land that always felt more home than anywhere i have walked before or since. jazz on the walkman and feeling free. that's the walk in my chest right now. in a small bookish office in a san francisco apartment there is a path in the woods winding itself through my ribs and taking me back into a place where it's about more than a day to day but about blood connecting to roots and it being about more than just a moment. the moments, connecting to a larger sense of time that doesn't need linear. i am all of my moments at once at with mingus on i can feel it. i can feel all the parts and all of the people i have been so far. and i am ready to roll forward finding the people that i'll become. it's beautiful in here right now.

i have some old ideas to turn back to to work on for a writing retreat in a few weeks.
today i think is the day to pull them out.

easy like sunday nights

showered and smelling like chamomile and lavender. jazz still on and the big debate of the night is if i will watch the simpsons. listen to jazz and read. or practice the accordion. i feel like i took myself on an art date today. it was slow and meandering. i cooked a little. made some progress on some writing in progress. made some progress on some heart in progress and really just let myself be a little. it's funny usually i have to go out and run around and get so much done to feel like i've had a real weekend. often it lands with me starting my monday worse off than i left my friday. but tonight will be ended with some sleepytime tea, me in my slippers, reading some poetry and sliding into bed early. just calm and nice. Hopefully I'll fall asleep with "Orange is the color of her dress" playing and my dreams will be full of music rolling over my skin and dancing with me. smallstages i feel like i owe you a huge debt for these records. my crush on the world is holding me around the waist and breathing wishes onto my neck. warm strong slow dances in the kitchen sort of world crush.

there's a mystery and cozy romance hiding in these early nights.
the night wants to curl up around me and hold my dreams safe in its hand.
just this once... i'll let it.