oh my gawd - i am home

so i am back from petaluma. i could literally write for days about how absolutely horrible it was. the retreat attendees, had no idea. that was the main success. i stepford wived it for three days, and they all felt supported and loved and for them the retreat was a huge success. my boss and board think it was a great success. me, who had boudnaries disregarded, had WAY too many large men freely take entitlement to hug me, fully without permission over and over, who was told in so many words that i wasn't ALLOWED to set boundaries or not hug for fear of hurting feelings of people who needed to be open hearted, who watched my friend get reamed a new asshole for trying to have some boundaries and just do damage control, who had all of my very organized operational plans to make things run smooth agreed on, pick up and thrown into chaos if I walked away JUST TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, who almost wet myself because people wouldn't actually stop needing me for a minute, who actually has never had a worse weekend in my entire life.

i worked from 6am - 2am without a break, with barely food, and with constant need, both physically and emotionally since 5:30 Friday morning. I now have to write a film column for a magazine that i am so excited to have a relationshoip with and don't want to fuck it up with my first assignment, the deadline is tomorrow. omigod.

i am a shell of a person. i haven't been seen or heard as anything other than a smiling supportive hug receptacle in days. three people were amazing at the retreat and totally touched my heart. one guy who i know from his volunteer time at frameline was just nice and good and cool. i think he gave me his hat. i told him i had hat envy and later he put it on me. when i tried to give it back he kept saying later later. i have to email him and check in, but i think he gave me his sentimental cowboy hat. amazing.

i met an amazing poet with a really hard life. she is coming to the open mic on friday. she is good. lighting raw talent good. i want her to feel what it's like to be around writers. (and she asked for that info too)

and last a woman who used to be a nurse and is all fucked now from a spinal surgery gone wrong. the weekend changed her life from suicidal shut in to hopeful part of a family / community of new friends she made. her i could hug so many times.

the sexism and gay white man priveledge shit was killing me. no staffer, all of whom were feminist dykes were thanked or acknowledged until the final ceremony when 50% of folks had left. even then there were some back biting comments in it towards me. the main offender board member actively underminded and disrespected my boss, in a 'humorous' way to make it cute, but it wasn't, he was being an asshole and decided we should have a bonfire at the same time as her film screening, arguably so no one would go to her screening and realize that where he is smoke and mirrors, she is the real deal making a fucking difference. ah but her hands aren't clean in this either. but i could vent forever and that's boring.

let me just say, there was a moment, where i had to check work email to get a document, and i couldn't check anything personal, and i almost lost it and cried. because i was in the hell, and my life, my real life, with the people i love and who KNOW and SEE me was only a few clicks away and i couldn't have it, not even for a minute. i missed you. only a weekend, but it feels literally like months.

and no, i don't get a day off until next sat. :(
clocking in soon at 30 days without a day off.