(no subject)

i feel like a weirdo

i am so unhappy at jobs that aren't really all that unhappy making or bad
is it that office work just isn't for me
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

if asked my ideal day job, i feel like a deer in the headlights
i was watching the dvd of queer as folk, and there a character who is just back in the world after rehab, his drug counselor asks him what he would love to do, and BAM he auditions and gets a job doing it

you know that film device where someone is all 'no you'll laugh' then says 'well i always have wanted to ...' and suddenly that is their fate.

i have either too many of the 'i've always wanted to' or not enough and so i can't seem to focus in on anything except that what i have now isn't it.

that i am sure of

you know, i am a naturally happy person. i like to smile and laugh and play. sure i get the shadowy and maudlin moments but i actually enjoy some element of that too. and i am really really tired of being so tired and unhappy.

nightmares about work now four nights in a row. waking up more stressy and sad then i went to bed.

ugh. if i could just take a test and it would tell me what to do i would be so there.

(no subject)

i think this is so cool.

  

And you thought Jack and the Beanstalk was a fairy tale...not so! Surprise someone you love and grow your own magic bean to reveal the secret message that says I love you--right on the bean itself! Packaged in an amazing little can--complete with a flip top--it contains all you need to sprout the magic. Just open the can, add a little water and sunshine, and watch it grow. Mini garden can is 3.5" tall.

And you thought Jack and the Beanstalk was a fairy tale...not so! Surprise someone you love and grow your own magic bean to reveal the secret message that says I love you--right on the bean itself! Packaged in an amazing little can--complete with a flip top--it contains all you need to sprout the magic. Just open the can, add a little water and sunshine, and watch it grow. Mini garden can is 3.5" tall.

a revelation?

maybe i dont want / need more responsibility at a job
maybe i need less
to take home less
to not worry

maybe the problem is wanting a job that will fulfill me
when that isn't so important
now that i am writing and performing and doing art to fulfill me

hold on
could this be the trick?

the wind changed

so i have been thinking ever since i left work today
my mind feels clearer (though my throat feels scratchy which i do not like)

and i think i have been going about this the wrong way
since frameline, i have been trying to prove that i can do more
that they made a mistake by not giving me more
by having to hit that goddamn wall over and over

i know that i am smart, that i can do more, that i can conquer the world of admin drudge and get promoted and promoted and climb the non profit ladder

and today, (thank you redshrike) i started thinking about what pieces of jobs i have liked
why i liked working at the castro better than my fancy jobs, even when i got burned by popcorn oil

i like customer service. i like the zen of doing the things that are my job, consistently, busily, efficiently and then going home.

the more of my own art i do, the less time or patience i have for the demands and responsibilities of what i get paid for. so yea, i am thinking, maybe it is time for me to let go of day job ladder climbing, let go of that need to be validated by a system that doesn't feed my soul at all, and just get a job.

a regular, cog in the machine, do my job sort of job, and at night give my alter ego the time and energy that does feed my soul. work in corporate instead of non profit to afford things like writing retreats. and i don't mean taking a job with bechtel or anything. i am still some degree of an idealist, but non profits? there are a lot of people who want these gay jobs that don't pay very well and suck my soul dry with their need.

i am burnt out on non profit. ironically as june begins, i am burnt out on gay. if i had some time to take off, i would, clear my head and make sure that i am going somewhere i want. but since there isn't time or money for that, i just have to try to start walking, change things, take a leap of faith. maybe i stick around for the retreat. maybe i find someone else to help make it happen and take some job that doesn't stab my stomach and give me nightmares.

it has happened before. i stayed around out of a codependent obligation to be a good employee, and they ran out of money and i was out without much of a goodbye. so when this feels so hard, maybe its ok to take care of myself with it.

feels scary to walk down a road that at least at first feels pretty selfish... but we'll just wait and see. sometimes a shift in perspective is the best solution.