back to work

it is so strange coming back to the office after and honest to goodness nice break from it all
i was actually able to relax and enjoy for most of the weekend
shocking my sweetie when at one point she realized that i was not in my usual hurry
crazy

the sad thing is that money troubles continue to freak me out, and then it is tears and panic and frustration when all i really want to do is book a plane ticket to new orleans and walk along the river, amble down royal and burgundy, dig out those small shops that still have character on the fringes of the quarter... sigh

i am not as cranky about sf as i have been recently - in fact (you devils) many of my shiny new friends, and good art things happening are making me love it here again, for the first time in three or four years i am not as focused on leaving

but being back at work is hard. last night - had people over to make the tree pretty, and it is. but right before guests came over we found more cat pee in the living room corner. many bottles of vinegar and boxes of baking soda, an entire tom waits collection of CDs and some Charles Mingus, the entire CD shelving unit, the comfy green chair - all used up and ruined. this is a reminder to always seal the wood on things, because unsealed wood ABSORBS LIQUID. and for any artsy musicians out there, i love the cardboard funky cool cd cases, but again cardboard ABSORBS LIQUID. so many cds are now orphaned of their cases and linear notes. sigh.

just not a fun way to end a vacation or to start a party.
so now i just want to go home - to some comfy clean couch and cuddle up and watch cheesy movies, worry about nothing - not my weight, not money, not getting published, not health issues, not cat pee, not holiday presents, just watch cheesy movies and smile and laugh, i miss smiling and laughing

lazy

why is it easier to watch tv and surf around all the livejournals of the crazy kids these days than to sit my ass down and get some damn work done
and here i am adding to the brain clutter
but that being said - i finally got the two hours of brain candy that i needed, after nearly losing my shit after getting home and all of the ressures grew and grew and i am so sick of animals and their pee, poo and vomit - thankfully that part of the evening is done with

had a wonderful walk home from work - a good 25 minute walk all up those san francisco hills that make tourist so confused when they're in the lower haight and want to see the haight ashbury and they see the great yawning expanse of hill in front of them and they're all "up there, how do we get up there". so i walked that home. and something about the walking and the night and the cold brought out a brilliant sparkle in my thoughts - writing while walking - safer than writing while driving and it gave some good words

i seem to have a thing for the writing while in motion. i like it. i t reminds me of writing poem after poem after poem while taking the 6 hours train ride from ann arbor to chicago. riding in the smoking car, and chain smoking while i wrote, the small glimpse of freedom and writerly cliches for a 16 year old poet. so many adventures waiting for me at Claire's house, and then so many adventures to write about on the way home. riding in the smoking car was always the cover so that i could pretend that i wasn't smoking - it was just the car, so ludicrous now - what non-smoker would ride in the chain smoking train car? especially if youre a 16 yr old asthmatic.i wrote on e of my first girl crush poems on one of those train rides. so many trips back and forth from december to june. didn't even realize that the crush was on someone altogether different. poems lost in a journal that got lost during the summer between high school and college. when i left my parents house, and so did they, opting for a smaller childless home two miles away. in all the moving somehow the chronicle of my writing life got lost. and now it all has to be reimagined and remembered

writing in motion. there needs to be more of that. travel travel travel.
who is going to IWPS? how are you getting there? curiosity you know. just curiosity. (shhh sadie be quiet)