![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
moving forward - forcing this depression shit to not keep me down - again I discovered wheatgrass and it helps so much. not to get all crunchy, but damn, downing that 2 ounces of green summer happy and suddenly, I mean within a minute sort of suddenly everything is sharper and I feel like I just drank 6 espresso, but without the caffeine shakes - so nice
I keep vacillating these days. What am I willing to put up with, how many cliques, how much fucking attitude in the writing community here. There are some genuinely nice people, but so far, all the really friendly folks (with a few exceptions) are not from here, they are travelling in from out of town and heading on their way the next day...sigh.
Ladyfest Lit Fest on Saturday was amazing. So many strong poets! I must admit that I am not so hip to the prose read monotone - but everyone's work was good. Inspirational, even if sitting in a room for seven hours was a bit rough. I walked away with two great chapbooks (check out suzy la follette @ www.lavendermenace.com) and a strong belief that I need to work on my own performance skills.
Also got smacked in the face with the realization that I had been avoiding lit events since I read at Smack Dab... ok that is a pattern that I can't let back in. Did the same thing after reading at Perry's Joynt. Sure I enjoyed reading, but the flush of it, the rush to the skin, the naked on stage, the every small bit of my soul hung out to dry and be judged and critiqued and laughed at later as people sit at home bitching about the readers who made them feel like they just lost 2 minutes of their lives and can't get it back, that feels not so good. At least this time I was able to walk away for only a week, instead of the previous six months, before showing myself at another event.
The Sunday event though, whew - I always wonder if it is my shyness coming off as attitude, or if folks really aren't friendly. I feel like I smile a lot, and do that hey how ya doin small talk to invite people in, but I always get a cold wall there - well with an exception or two. But this time C- came with me, and as soon as we left she asked - is it always like that? So cliquey and unfriendly and so very very white? And I had to say, yeah, for the most part. And so I was validated - but I don't want to be, I want it to feel friendly, or for the problems just to be me, because I can work shit out, but I can't control how others are... and why does it matter right? But in theory, these are the people in my community, the writers that have it going on, that are working with and for each other to make art happen...
Is it just being left out of the cool kid clique again? Well, fuck that. That level of attitude - I am over it. I just want to meet, make friends, and be real about it. And no, most of my poems are not edgy in a dead puppy, lots of tattoos and branding and cutting edge sex and drugs sort of way - and that is fine by me. There is a place for that, but I think my mind turns more towards the beauty of things, and that's just how it is.
Good news though - getting shit reading for the open mic debut in a week - SF Weekly and the Guardian are picking it up wahoo! and... for my special birthday open mic on Sept 10th, Lynn Breedlove is going to read. That makes me happy - artist I respect and like, both on a personal and art level, and that is going to ring in my 30th.
Now to plan the party for the 11th, the official decade turnover....
I keep vacillating these days. What am I willing to put up with, how many cliques, how much fucking attitude in the writing community here. There are some genuinely nice people, but so far, all the really friendly folks (with a few exceptions) are not from here, they are travelling in from out of town and heading on their way the next day...sigh.
Ladyfest Lit Fest on Saturday was amazing. So many strong poets! I must admit that I am not so hip to the prose read monotone - but everyone's work was good. Inspirational, even if sitting in a room for seven hours was a bit rough. I walked away with two great chapbooks (check out suzy la follette @ www.lavendermenace.com) and a strong belief that I need to work on my own performance skills.
Also got smacked in the face with the realization that I had been avoiding lit events since I read at Smack Dab... ok that is a pattern that I can't let back in. Did the same thing after reading at Perry's Joynt. Sure I enjoyed reading, but the flush of it, the rush to the skin, the naked on stage, the every small bit of my soul hung out to dry and be judged and critiqued and laughed at later as people sit at home bitching about the readers who made them feel like they just lost 2 minutes of their lives and can't get it back, that feels not so good. At least this time I was able to walk away for only a week, instead of the previous six months, before showing myself at another event.
The Sunday event though, whew - I always wonder if it is my shyness coming off as attitude, or if folks really aren't friendly. I feel like I smile a lot, and do that hey how ya doin small talk to invite people in, but I always get a cold wall there - well with an exception or two. But this time C- came with me, and as soon as we left she asked - is it always like that? So cliquey and unfriendly and so very very white? And I had to say, yeah, for the most part. And so I was validated - but I don't want to be, I want it to feel friendly, or for the problems just to be me, because I can work shit out, but I can't control how others are... and why does it matter right? But in theory, these are the people in my community, the writers that have it going on, that are working with and for each other to make art happen...
Is it just being left out of the cool kid clique again? Well, fuck that. That level of attitude - I am over it. I just want to meet, make friends, and be real about it. And no, most of my poems are not edgy in a dead puppy, lots of tattoos and branding and cutting edge sex and drugs sort of way - and that is fine by me. There is a place for that, but I think my mind turns more towards the beauty of things, and that's just how it is.
Good news though - getting shit reading for the open mic debut in a week - SF Weekly and the Guardian are picking it up wahoo! and... for my special birthday open mic on Sept 10th, Lynn Breedlove is going to read. That makes me happy - artist I respect and like, both on a personal and art level, and that is going to ring in my 30th.
Now to plan the party for the 11th, the official decade turnover....
