hope

[emchy]

It is possible, to sit at a desk in an old victorian office, with a glare straight from the sun into your eye, and feel incredibly happy. windows are open wide enough that i could fall out and emails keep on coming and i feel some kind of peace.

that's me on the rollercoaster hitting the afterglow. scary thing is, as soon as i am off i often like to ride again. so be it. but for now - afterglow.

my diet issues - which don't come up here so much, usually i keep it to the communities that ask for it - but the diet things are going well. bought groceries last night and had the feeling like i could manage things, i had some control. it's been five weeks on a food plan and i have lost about 15 pounds. at pound 13 i began to really feel it, and for the last few days, i have felt lighter in my complete self. thing that never happens happened last night. i felt full. no desire for more. this hasn't happened in recent memory, hell barely in long term memory. usually i watch or guage my food intake by how much others eat and try to keep it reasonable. i could munch until sick and never feel full. feel sick yes, but not full. so last night was a big deal. and then it happened again at breakfast. leaving food on my plate. not needing to consume more to feel like a satisfied or complete person - this impacts so much more than weight. it is a spiritual fullness, and need that never gets filled.

I dreamt last night that I was being held. gentle strong sort of holding me. from five different friends. the dream just went, like vignettes, this person, then this person, and i felt so loved and safe. it was all so comfortable and i felt whole. i wasn't afraid of intention, or not being able to meet their needs, or how it might look, i just let myself be loved. and again, i felt satisfied. full. not needing more.

i think i am finding a balance. this week doesn't look socially like my ideal. but i am moving back towards making plans and venturing out more. dinner plans, mellow, inexpensive adventures are suiting me right now.

i am looking forward to seeing you again

Comments

[crayonbeam.livejournal.com]

that not full but sick but can't stop eating out of control feeling is the worst!

[cindymonkey.livejournal.com]

yes indeed - me and krispy kreme have gone there far too many times