tow tow tow the car, riding down the street

up early
i know have to eat before getting the car towed. thankfully i called the shop and they can take it today. i just pray they can fix it and it will be cheap enough that i dont have to junk it - i like my grandpa car - though with it catching on fire last night, I am not that hopeful of a tiny bill

this year has had so much good - and what is an unusual amount of bad - i repeatedly feel like i am being kicked in the stomach - and it is getting harder and harder to get my breath back

the money hole deepens, loved ones and health things escalate, friend retreat into themselves and the bad places that linger, car car car goes bad what feels like over and over, unemployment invades my home like a plague, kitty health troubles, puppy abuse troubles, and I feel like there is nothing left of me - except of course there is

and it come around in the good - friends that breathe art and fire, the open mic, actively going to readings, tequila at the eagle, poker nights, C- learning cribbage, some amazing new people in my life (yes, you know you;re out there), the michigan visit coming up, having a job where i am treated well enough and it is not the standard non-profit dysfunction, love...

I am finding it harder to roll with the punches though

i keep thinking that if i am a good and nice person, if i do right by people, am honest, etc. that it comes back - if I am smart and work collectively with people, focus on teamwork and doing well for a company - that it comes back -i am starting to think that is as much a myth to be people complacent about subpar conditions in their life as curch and television

so what next