a poem

Feb. 20th, 2006 04:18 pm
emchy: (Default)
Remains

Lost photos of you
Linger in my mind
Crows feet wrinkling your cynical eyes
Deeper than they appeared at 26
With that rare smoky smile
So often forced
Wishing
I’d just take the damn picture
“we have to get
to the show”

The whiskey
The slow and the stumble
Years pass us
into strangers
We talk
Like phones cutting out
Hearing every fourth word
As our friendship fades
Into our alcoholic past.
emchy: (sidesmile by lyric agent)
honestly?
i am a little drunk and listening to tom waits
i feel like raising some honest to god hel
but raising it in the written word
oh yea, bring it
this is what happens when i go to the corner store after work
tired
and over it
me the missus and a bottle of wine later
she's on the phone and i am listening to music
that makes me want to smoke cigarettes
and smash whiskey bottles

oh patrick where are you
when i need to crash random wedding parties with you
i miss and love you so much
emchy: (Default)
i am fully mired in memory lane
artsyspaz from high school hung out for a while on friday night - and i love her madly, but wow she reminded me of things i haven't thought of since the month i left high school. things i did and organized, people i loved, things that meant the world that once i was gone just sort of fell away. always except for one. do we always want the one that we had, let go of and can't get again? such a good friend and it seems gone forever. every so often i reobsess and want to reconnect. i don't expect anything except a conversation - that is too much to ask and i don't understand and it will never be resolved and that is what i have to live with.

so today - looking through an old yearbook (intent on figuring out what other dykes there were) i got SO triggered, and of course meanwhile i am listening to my final college radio show, and right at that very moment that i saw a picture that left me short of breath, came my voice on the cassette, four years after high school dedicating a song to this same guy. the first surrogate brother i ever had. and just like the first one, it was great, until it wasn't.

so i'm feeling a little weird. also i am missing an important high school relic that i haven't been able to find for a few months which is making me super cranky. i just wish it was easier to stay connected and not lose people. i used to be really good at it. and i don't want to be anymore.

meanwhile - waiting for friend to call for social before the lady gets home later. it'd be nice to fill my day with conversations and action and reaching out before she is off work and it becomes couple time, and freelance work and grocery shopping. i am looking forward to that too. but don't want to have the solo void and closed circle of not seeing friends today.

act of will power: do not call: patrick or david. this is very important. DO NOT CALL THEM.
emchy: (mysterious in my orange striped sweater)
one measly tom waits song and i am right back there
over and over and over again

this sweet melancholia where romance could happen, but probably won't and definately shouldn't and we can just sit in that dark cafe, ruined living room, band rehearsal space, and drink coffee, whiskey, rum and dream our dreams and it is so good and you are my best friend, you are my family, my life line, the person who made it all ok. made the darkest places retreat like my lovers never could because it was unconditional with you and you and you and then you all left. at different times, for different reasons, but it always felt the same. suddenly, with no warning, and then gone. no discussion, no options. and we both cried over it, but you moved on while i sit at a desk,looking at a park, missing you, 2000, 30, 10 miles away, and wishing it was different, that we hadn't let each other down so completely.

and now i find myself, looking at a new you. less alchoholic, less irresponsible, again with the instant connection that feels like family, that is joyous in its melancholy and the romance piece is absent and that feels so much better and less confusing and i am so afraid to walk forward. but i cannot refuse this and it is making me act weird and strange and i wonder if this time it could be different. it already sort of is. and i learned my lesson. i promise not to let a mutual friend borrow/steal your cds. i promise not to sleep with your girlfriend. i promise not to disconnect and disappear and buy you too much alchohol until we both make mistakes we can't take back.

can the universe just let me try this again? and can i just walk forward without so much goddamn fear... can i trust that i want to trust you? is it real? are you my friend? can i call you at 1am and tell you about this idea i had for the thing with the stuff? can i call you four times in one day just to tell you about the red maple leaf that i saw run down the street?

or are we too old for this? are the rules different? is it possible to make these kinds of close friends anymore? and can i cleanse my demons of expectations and see you, for you and not just another?

i hope so. please g- i hope so

October 2011

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