one measly tom waits song and i am right back there
over and over and over again
this sweet melancholia where romance could happen, but probably won't and definately shouldn't and we can just sit in that dark cafe, ruined living room, band rehearsal space, and drink coffee, whiskey, rum and dream our dreams and it is so good and you are my best friend, you are my family, my life line, the person who made it all ok. made the darkest places retreat like my lovers never could because it was unconditional with you and you and you and then you all left. at different times, for different reasons, but it always felt the same. suddenly, with no warning, and then gone. no discussion, no options. and we both cried over it, but you moved on while i sit at a desk,looking at a park, missing you, 2000, 30, 10 miles away, and wishing it was different, that we hadn't let each other down so completely.
and now i find myself, looking at a new you. less alchoholic, less irresponsible, again with the instant connection that feels like family, that is joyous in its melancholy and the romance piece is absent and that feels so much better and less confusing and i am so afraid to walk forward. but i cannot refuse this and it is making me act weird and strange and i wonder if this time it could be different. it already sort of is. and i learned my lesson. i promise not to let a mutual friend borrow/steal your cds. i promise not to sleep with your girlfriend. i promise not to disconnect and disappear and buy you too much alchohol until we both make mistakes we can't take back.
can the universe just let me try this again? and can i just walk forward without so much goddamn fear... can i trust that i want to trust you? is it real? are you my friend? can i call you at 1am and tell you about this idea i had for the thing with the stuff? can i call you four times in one day just to tell you about the red maple leaf that i saw run down the street?
or are we too old for this? are the rules different? is it possible to make these kinds of close friends anymore? and can i cleanse my demons of expectations and see you, for you and not just another?
i hope so. please g- i hope so